I think I did this because I hadn’t offended anyone in awhile.

As winter comes, people start to put things in perspective. It’s cold. They need to get warm. Who’s going to help them with this?

Naturally, they turn to religion, as does everyone else in times of need. Unfortunately, far too often the heads of the major Western religions are too busy bickering over nonsense like politics and how to save the nonbelievers to care about truly practical matters involved in religion. Suffice it to say, whenever we see an injustice such as this, Jux is here to help.

Take, for example, heat. If you’re relatively new to this whole mythology thing, you might not know right off the bat which of the faiths is going to keep you warmest in winter. Judaism? Islam? Christianity? Obviously, Hinduism is the real answer, but we’re going to ignore that and focus only on the three religions Americans can recognize after they get a public school education.

Judaism isn’t a very good choice for the cold convert in winter. Torahs are relatively rare in American book stores, and the book itself is small. Granted, the fuller Hebrew bible is larger, but it’s even harder to find. Plus, the energy density of the Torah is less than that of a good Bible. The poor Jews will likely freeze to death if it’s left to their faith alone to keep them warm.

Islam is slightly better off, but only because the Qu’ran is slightly easier to find here, and it’s also thicker. Luckily, beards and veils can serve as last-minute insulation. However, Muslims can’t drink. Should you find yourself cold and in the Swiss Alps, that means no dog-delivered bourbon for you.

Christianity is the obvious winner when it comes to having its members survive the winter. Not only are Bibles readily available in dollar stores, but they are also larger than any of the other holy books and thanks to densely-packed “bible paper”, have a higher energy density than the books of the other religions. This means it’s relatively easy to start an impromptu pyre necessary to ward off frost bite. Isn’t that nice?

The Bible also wins when it comes to which religion is most likely to get you through a period of famine. Thanks to highly random and incomprehensible restrictions on the butchering of animals in Judaism and especially Islam, you’re not going to find all that many Qu’rans bound in, say, pig skin. This little bit of animal flesh is vitally important when you’re forced to eat wood pulp, so don’t knock it.

It’s believed that a pig once laughed at Muhammad’s speech impediment, and God was so amused that he blessed the pig for all time. Naturally, you can’t just tell the Muslims that this is what happened, so he made up some other reasons, and now they can’t eat pork. Brilliant job again, God. That guy’s always one step ahead of the competition. The story of the Jews and kosher eating is entirely different, and is based on a bet. You know, one of those “I can’t believe they’re actually doing it!” things.

Of course, there are other practical issues, but we can hardly be expected to answer all of them. Should you think of any questions that you desperately need answered…we’re always here, and we’re thinking of you.