Your mother is a cow and I don’t like you?

Did you know…

1. One of the apostles had a siamese conjoined twin sister named Abigaile, who was left out of the bible for sleeping with Mary Magdaline? Contemporary sources insist that John had nothing to do with her himself, however, nor did he even watch the lovely proceedings.
   
2. Synergy, spelled backwards, is Ass Raping Wednesday Populace?*
   
3. Graeme can turn into a sea lion at will, and swim away from his attackers?
   
4. That Blizzard specifically designed World of Warcraft so that your ass would get kicked many times by Murlocs and other “Creeps” from Warcraft III, which you used to be able to handle with two grunts, thus making you feel weak as a tiny kitten? It’s true!
   
5. Travis’ house has returned to the 1980’s, where he lives with only basic cable and no internet connection? Leaving the building results in immediate teleportation back to at least 1999, and sometimes 2006 for brief periods before insanity ensues.
   
6. This is not a bulleted list?
   
7. Taking a college class that involves weekly field trips sucks ass, whereas a lower grades class that involved them would have been the coolest thing since sliced heroin?
   
8. That I have no idea if sliced heroin is the same thing as cut heroin?
   
9. That Kenny once beat up a heroin e using only his mind?
   
10. That we have no idea what she was the heroine of?
    
11. That we buried her body in New Mexico?**
    
12. You never heard the above?
    
13. Travis once slammed into the back of a very jagged ass, souring him on asses for all enternity? He likes no butts, and he cannot lie.
    
14. Everything in this article is completely true?***

* Provided you add a few letters.
** Please do not eat the iPod Shuffle.
*** It’s true!