I’d like to clarify a few things about my life lately. Make a few statements.
First, people keep hearing about Vivian, or about my job, and saying they’re sorry. No, you’re not. You have done nothing, so you have no remorse. I doubt you experience any sorrow over my state either. If any of you actually lie awake at night twisting and turning about my situation, then you can talk to me about being sorry or whatever you like. Until then you’re just spouting something off because you don’t have anything else to say and you think I care. Say nothing; I don’t.
Other people ask if I’m okay. I’m going to answer the question you’re really asking first, and then I’m going to answer the question formed by the words you can actually be bothered to speak. No, I’m not self destructive. That ship has never sailed from this port. At least one of the people who keeps asking me this wants to make sure that I’m not wallowing in self-defeat so that they can feel better. The lot of you can quit worrying.
Of course, only the people ignorant about my history are worried about me being self destructive, because anyone who actually pays attention to me would realize I’ve never been self destructive. The people who actually know me worry that I’m going to start destroying other people. As tempting as it can be, I’ve not given into anger either, other than to write a few seething posts like this.
So that’s what people are actually asking. Now, if the question is taken at face value, it’s just asinine. No, I’m not wallowing in depression. In fact I’m pretty normal, other than being lonely. But let me sum up how I feel about my life right now.
Over the course of the past month I have lost something I invested years into, something I planned my future around. All that I’m left with is my academic work, which, yes, will result in me getting extra letters after my name. Big deal.
It’d be easier if I wasn’t alone. And no, I don’t mean “it’d be easier if I had a girlfriend.” Ignoring the people I cut out of my life for being cancerous recently, I’m back to my core friends again. This is fine. Although whatever gods there are know I’m thankful that the Kenny situation got resolved before this massive fuck up happened, or this would be much worse.
The problem is that, gifted extremely huge amounts of free time, with the person I spent most of my time with gone AWOL into stupid land, I have to face the reality that I am very much a singular entity in my life right now. My career is school. Everyone else is getting promotions, working good jobs, getting monetary windfalls…I exist in a state of voluntary poverty. The only reason it doesn’t drive me more insane than it does is because it really is voluntary.
The real issue is that I have all this time and no one to spend it with. In times like this I feel best with my closest friends, but all of them have someone closer than me, because unlike me, they don’t continuously date basal creatures. Some are married, some are engaged, some are just committed. But with jobs, and significant others, there’s little time for the friend who has neither. This was much easier the last time I went through this, over five years ago, when I could just grab Samantha and go hang out, or something. Now there’s no one there, at least that I’m that close to, and it fucking blows.
And that, more than anything, is what bothers me right now. Not the job. Not Vivian. The fact that I am a singular entity. Still a part of a community, sure, but instead of being a full member of it, maybe even a pathfinder, I am now reduced to a remora.
Yes, I know there are people who get out much less than me. Yes, I know that my situation is actually still pretty damn good, having several close friends that I’ve had for years. But when your life goes from on track to completely reset in less than a month, that takes some getting used to.
So to answer everyone, ever, yes, I’m “okay.” I’m still more emotionally adjusted and in better control of myself than 98% of the populace is on a daily basis. But asking if I’m “fine” is just retarded. Would you be “fine?”