That space in my mind…

I often travel down memory lane here, because there’s not a whole lot more to do at night when everyone’s already gone to bed. I was thinking about how last year, during the Kenny ordeal, I started to miss all the other people that have fallen by the wayside in my life more than I had for years previous.

At this point last year it would have been a simple list. Kenny, obviously, was briefly one of the people I spent a lot of time missing. As well, and also obviously, I’d never been happy with the way my friendship with Rebecca abruptly ended. And even though we still talked and hung out, I didn’t think I’d ever be as close with Scott as I was previously.

Things are more complicated now, though. I’m trying to prevent the same thing that happened with Scott from happening with Samantha, while at the same time I still wish I could be closer with Scott again while realizing that will never happen. Sometimes I’m curious (especially lately, after having our first pleasant conversation in years) what happened to Ryann. The Rebecca thing is over, finally, and completely, as she became one of the few people I ever deleted off my buddy list. Whenever we did talk I found myself disappointed, and that’s simply because the person I was friends with is gone forever. Not saying that’s a bad thing for her, or that the changes to her are necessarily bad, but the person I missed is gone forever, so why bother?

What about Vivian and Peter? That was partially discussed earlier today between Travis and I. To sum up, my position is that he’s not unwelcome, but that I’m not building any bridges. He’s welcome to swim if he wants to.

Vivian is the most complex. Part of me loves her and wants to be friends with her. But when I think of everything that happened, what I now know was happening, I just get angry. I can’t help it. It’s a massive betrayal of trust, something that I can’t stand.

I don’t make close friends lightly, I don’t think, and I don’t like it when they’re gone. I always miss them. Not the people they are now, but I do cherish the time we spent together when we were in sync. Sometimes I feel like everyone else is too willing to forget, to willing to let the past die. Part of this must be the historian in me. I highly, highly doubt half the people mentioned in this post sit back reminisce about our times together. But those experiences are tied into my personality, into who I am as a person. Ignoring them is ignoring a part of myself.

In the end there’s still Travis, there’s still Kenny, and their own ways Sam and Scott are still here. The others…well, such is life. I don’t require them for my continued happiness, but sometimes I think about what it would be like if I hadn’t lost touch with some of them. The best years of my life are the years where everything just seems to come together, albeit briefly. 2000 and 2005 are good examples of the phenomenon, whereas 2001 and 2007 are perfect examples of the opposite effect, years where I shed old friends, willingly or not. Looking back with the wisdom of the ages 2001 looks even more like a holocaust than it did when I was living it. Scott, JR, Ryann, April, Rebecca, Ashleigh…the list goes on longer than I’d care to admit. Let us hope 2007 does not end up the same, eh? 😉

These are the things you think about while watching Star Trek at 2:00am. I don’t think I would have written this at all if I wasn’t dreading having to go down to GSU and clean on behalf of the graduate student history organization in about eight hours. Kerblech, say I.

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