Juxtapositions: Parking Requirements (A Picasso Special)

The past week has been full of days of stunning beauty as Fall brings its peculiar light and scent to the air. Now that that’s out of the way, bring the hate and pain.

I can only assume that the incoming crop of freshmen at Georgia State University are some sort of special needs students. Perhaps we carefully adopted the entire student body of the Kids Who Drank Bleach Academy. The amount of parking stupiditude I’ve seen in the past several weeks eclipses anything I have ever before witnessed in my entire life. I’m used to bad parking, I’m used to arrogant parking, but I think my diagrams will show that these kids are just being fucking stupid, and most likely deserve to die. Let’s examine this closely.

Consider parking a basic IQ test. It’s like coloring in the lines. We all start off scribbling all over the page the first few days, but by the time we go to big boy school (or, in the case of cars, get a learner’s permit) it’s expected that we can at the very least approximate basic motor control. As such, I posit that anyone with an IQ of at least 80, or 20 points below average, should be able to do this:


Look at how happy Picasso is! All of those people have shown themselves capable of at least feeding themselves! Now, just like with coloring, sometimes we all slip up a little bit and a tiny bit gets outside the lines. Is this horrible? No. This can be vaguely forgiven. Observe:


Picasso’s been happier here, but he’s mostly indifferent. After all, do we know what was in the other space when that guy got there? No. And everyone has an off morning now and then. The most important thing is that the same number of people can park there. Hell, the car to the right even has enough space to open its door. No harm, no foul, I’m sure this guy will park better tomorrow. Of course, that blue convertible is a pretty nice car, so maybe he needs more space…


We’ve all seen this one. Is it forgivable? Fuck no, that guy should die the second he steps out of the car. Collapse over dead. Ravens should peck out his flesh in front of the entire world so that he serves as a lesson to not do what this man did. But the fact is that this is understandable. Some people, a lot of people, are arrogant, worthless sacks of moist mammalian fluids. It happens. The poor guy in the red car who would have had a parking space isn’t assuaged by this at all, of course, but there’s nothing we can do about this. If just this was happening more often at Georgia State, I believe I could almost understand it. But this is not what’s happening. No, what’s occurring at GSU is so mind-bendingly, squirrel-punchingly stupid that it has to be seen to be believed. Observe:


Is that just another moron who thinks his car is too good for one spot? At first glance maybe, but look closer. He has actually parked perfectly between the lines…the faded, relict lines of an age long past. Yes, for some completely baffling reason this man has chosen to ignore the bright fucking yellow lines and go for the obviously faded, deliberately painted-over white ones. Not only that, but he has done this despite the fact that everyone else around him is parked correctly. What sort of mental patient do you have to be to do this? I can honestly say that in my entire first year of graduate studies I never saw this once, and yet this year this literally happens daily. Not only that, but it happens independently on every single floor of the parking deck. What’s worse is that sometimes the Alpha Incompetent uncorks the stupidity of others, and we get shit like this:


Another mental defective has answered the call of his master! Look, they made Picasso cry. Sometimes an entire row of this shit will start. These two people are now taking up parking spaces that three better people could have easily occupied.

But what can you even do about something like this? These people obviously don’t exist on the same plane of existence as the rest of us. In fact, they’re probably not even people. The only solution I could see would be to have a system of evaluations in place that would prevent subhumans like this from entering college in the first place, like, oh, admission requirements? Add a parking test to the application process. Kill those who fail. Problem solved.

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