For regulation Jux readers, this is a continuation of a story I’ve already told partially.

The ceiling fan in my home office needs to be replaced. Naturally I went forth to the local Lowe’s Depot to find a suitable replacement. Browsing around the shelves and overhead racks I noticed quite a few that were attractive, a lot of really ugly bad ideas, and a few that were just plain dubious. I also noticed one other trend: every single one used candelabra bulbs, those midget-based ‘decorative’ bulbs that never should have graced this planet.

Thinking this must surely be an error, I started reading boxes. What did they say? Candelabra.

So I went to look at the lighting kits you could attach to individual fans. What did they say? Candelabra.

Finally I grabbed a guy in a blue and orange vest and asked him point blank: “Do you have any ceiling fans that take normal light bulbs?”

“No,” he says. But wait, there’s more! “Hardly anyone makes those anymore, too many people were putting 100 watt bulbs in them and causing fires. Wal-Mart might have one or two, but probably not…the manufacturer’s decided…”

What the hell. All I want is a ceiling fan, a damn ceiling fan. Why would you stop making the standard sized version of something?! You know what I want to do with this thing? I want to put CFLs in it. Normal sized CFLs. Those things are a thing of beauty now. Do you know how much candelabra-sized CFLs suck? I do, because I just bought some to put in another fixture in my new house that will only take them. They take over a minute to hit full brightness, and they start out at about 20%. Now, that might be because those particular bulbs, despite being high end, are also the decorative kind with the glass shell (hey, it’s a decorative fixture), but that’s not the point.

The point is: WHY WOULD YOU STOP MAKING THE REAL VERSION OF SOMETHING.

Can this really, possibly be true? Can I not buy a real fucking ceiling fan?

Am I going to have to search high and low for candelabra bulbs now?

What the hell is wrong with the ceiling fan industry?