Whoah, did he just admit that he doesn’t know something?

Martial Arts
Once upon a time, I was upset about the fact that I was completely unschooled in the ‘arts martial’. This passed pretty quickly with age. Somewhere around 14 I realized that since just about anything in the world can cause severe damage to a human, being able to kick really high is a moot point. Sure, you know Karate, but I know that this spatula is really going to hurt when I smack you upside the head with it. Oh, and guns. I own guns. Unless they can really teach you to catch bullets in your teeth, I consider myself safe. Plus, I have a pretty good grounding in bladed weapons, which means if you ever want to kill me by kicking me a lot, keep me away from a kitchen, or I’ll take a steak knife to your booty-wearing ninja ass.
Graeme’s Verdict: D+

Visual Arts
This is a big one. I would kill to be able to draw. Sure, I can describe anything on paper with my prose skills, but it takes extreme concentration to draw a freakin` potato if someone needs one. Language may come up more often, but it’s still damned handy to be able to draw something more complex than Gimpy the Stick Camel. Wouldn’t it be neat to be able to draw my own story art, or even give some visual flair to the Jux Entente? On the other hand, I have so many friends that can draw that anything I really need can be created with just a quick slap to the back of the head and a command of “draw this peon”, so I guess I’ll stick with word craft.
Graeme’s Verdict: B

Japanese
Ah, to know the language of the Land of the Rising Sun. Lots of people choose to take this in college, supposedly to gain greater insight into eastern cultures and help them when they travel the world later in life. They are lying bastards. The only reason to learn Japanese is to play videogames that never make it to America, and don’t let anyone tell you different. Back in the 8/16-bit era, this was a major boon. You could play stuff like Final Fantasies 2, 3, and 5, plus the third ‘Mana’ game. Yeah, I think only in Square Soft games, so sue me. Anyway, since more games are coming here on their own, and only the RPG genre really makes all that extensive use of the Japanese tongue, this ability has diminished in its niftiness over the years. Now all it’s really good for is paying more to play games a few months before they arrive here, or talking to those few people in Japan that weren’t force fed English in school. Oh, and Anime freaks, as Kitty so politely reminded me. See, that’s why you have to love Western culture. Why learn their languages when you can just make them learn yours? Let the tourists rejoice!
Graeme’s Verdict: C+

Carpentry
So, I can’t build a house with my bare hands. Yet another manly thing I’m bad at. Oh well, I don’t like things that aren’t insured until well after my suggested life span anyway. Cutting and shaping wood. Yeah.
Graeme’s Verdict: C

How to Create and Press Circuit Boards
Jeez, wouldn’t this be useful? “Whoops, I bought a FireWire camera and I don’t have any ports…lemme go in the closet and whip up a PCI card real quick baby.” Or how about just inventing things on the fly. Like a remote controlled light switch. Here is where I meant to go on my rant about how no one has invented a remote controlled light switch yet, and thus, I must turn off my lumens my own damn lazy self. Then Zen told me they had. Damnit.
Graeme’s Verdict: A

The Capital of the Principality of Liechtenstein
Sure, it may be the second smallest nation in Europe (the smallest being Vatican City), and jammed between Switzerland and Austria, but I’d still like to know it’s capital. I know every other European capital. Why shouldn’t I know this one? Because it has a population roughly equivalent to that of the small southern town I live in? Oh the hell with it, I’m just going to look it up. [Checks with the CIA] Wow, Vaduz. Now I know. I also know that poor Leichtenstein is probably the most unfortunate nation in Europe. Why? Its defense is the responsibility of Switzerland.
Graeme’s Verdict: B+, because I love useless Euro Facts

How to Control Squirrels with my Mind
The most important thing on this list. I curse God daily for not giving me the ability to control the cute, cuddly, ferociously evil members of the Scuirine clans of the world. Specifically, electric death squirrels. They may be hard to create, but electric death squirrels are the best. See, what you have to do is toss them into anything with a “High Voltage” sign on it. This is a little known fact, but anyone who reads comic books or watches TV knows that high voltage will not, in fact, kill you. Rather it gives you the ability to either call lightning from the sky or just shoot it from your fingertips. The government has to put up the signs to discourage a dramatic increase in the numbers of supervillians running free in the world. Interestingly, while humans have the constitution to almost always survive the procedure, sometimes squirrels become consumed by their new power and disappear in a flash of brilliance. Currently, only Nintendo has perfected the means of manufacturing electric death squirrels on a mass scale. Rumours abound that they will soon team with up Sony’s Advanced Intelligent Battle Operants and the Department of Justice’s wolf packs in an assault on their Washington neighbor, Microsoft.
Graeme’s Verdict: A+

A Bunch of Other Stuff
Eh, it’s all useless anyway.
Graeme’s Verdict: D