Surly Guy and Jesus are here to help you with all of life’s problems.

Welcome to the inaugural edition of The Jux Entente’s new advice column, Questions and Answers with Surly Guy and Jesus! In this column we will seek to help you with all of life’s problems, whatever you can think of! Enjoy your reading, and if you have any questions to ask, just head on over to the Members page and get in contact with Crossed Reality. Now, on to the questions.

Dear Jux Entente,
I’m confused about which console to buy. I already own a Playstation 2, but I have enough money to get either a GameCube or an Xbox. Which one do you feel is better and why?
-Confused Gamer
The simple answer to your question is to pick the one that has the games you like on it! After all, what other reason is there to own a console? If price is a problem, then the GameCube is likely more inviting to you. I would suggest doing some research to determine which one is right for you. Oh, and don’t forget to check out the Gameboy Advance, just because it’s small doesn’t mean that it’s not a contender!
– Jesus

All right you little pissant, listen up. You think you’re so big and bad because you can afford two next generation consoles and games, don’t you? Poor children in Africa fight each other with sharp sticks for parts to repair their ancient, creaky Genesis that only has Altered Beast and Ecco the Dolphin, and look at you, little Playstation 2 boy! You want my advice? Fine, I’ll give it to ya. Here’s my advice: If you buy an Xbox I’ll cut you like a box! Along the flaps!
– Surly Guy

Dear Jux,
I have a friend who insists that the movie Braveheart is mostly fiction and hollywood conjecture. I think that it’s a true representation of the facts, only changed enough to be entertainment. Which one of us is right?
– Movie Fan
I’m afraid that your friend is right on this one. While there was a Scottish freedom fighter named William Wallace who did great things, the movie Braveheart is not an accurate portrayal. William Wallace was actually of lesser nobility, the amount of time elapsed in the movie is all wrong, the battle of Stirling bridge has no bridge, and Wallace certainly never slept with the lady Isabella. Also, Edward the Longshanks was one of history’s greatest kings, and not the ‘cruel pagan’ the movie portrays him as. He even went on crusade!
– Jesus
Jeez boy, they let you walk down the street with that brain?
– Surly Guy

Yo [CR],
When yu releasin` ServerCheck 1.3? I been waitin for that furever.
– Mantucket
I’m sorry, but I don’t understand the question, my son.
– Jesus

They learn ’em English real good in Alabama, don’t they?
– Surly Guy

I’ve not scripted in three years. So, uh, yeah.
– Crossed Reality

Dear Jux,
I’ve been doing some soul searching recently, and I’ve been concerned about one thing in particular. I voted for Al Gore in the 2000 presidential election. Is this a sin? Am I a bad person?
– Iluvbigbrother@censorship.gov
Indeed, it is a sin, but I forgive you.
– Jesus

What were you, stoned? Lean over this way real quick boy, I want to see how good my aim is with this bourbon bottle.
– Surly Guy

To: The Jux Entente
I was recently involved in a car accident, luckily no one was hurt. However, my vehicle was totaled. I have enough money to afford a new car, but I’ve always bought used before. What should I do?
– No Car
This is a very complex question. From a microeconomic standpoint, you should always buy used cars. Why is this? A new car depreciates extremely rapidly in its first year, losing up to 30% of its value! Obviously, this is not a very sound investment. A used car, especially one just a year old, has already suffered this time period of crippling loss of value, and thus is a much wiser investment. The warranties will still be intact, and it will even have new car smell. This does not always work. If the car model was just introduced this year, you’re going to have to buy new. Some people also just have a problem owning anything that someone else has had before them. They build new homes and they buy new cars. Buying a new car also puts more money into the economy, but this difference is really negligible, since a used car is still a major purchase. In short, except in certain situations, always buy used! Actually, there is yet another possibility. If you wait until the next model year comes out, let’s say the 2004’s, you can find highly discounted 2003’s on car lots that have never been purchased! These are a great bargain, since as far as most buyers are concerned they are no longer “new”, but in all other respects, they are.
– Jesus

So, you’re a big shot who can afford a new car, are you? I love people like you! I love the yuppies who lease a car for two years and then let the poor baby go! Why? Because I get to have them! That’s right! Buy new you bastard! I’ll get it when you’re done, and I’ll pay less! How’s that feel? Same thing you got, I got cheaper. And I’ll keep it longer! Hell, I might just turn the damned thing into a planter in my front yard. Since I actually own my property and didn’t sign any of those communist suburban neighborhood agreements, I can do that! Eat it!
– Surly Guy