I don’t see how anyone who works in retail handles it.

Any of you who have read the Members page know that I’m a librarian. This is really the perfect job for me, and it works out well most of the time. However, just like any job where you have to deal with that wonderful species of creatures known as “People”, you can get some real nut cases in a library. I console myself with the fact that at least most of the ones I deal with are literate, but I still have some stories to tell. And so, instead of the new Q&A With Surly Guy and Jesus feature that I was going to do tonight, you’re going to get some nonfiction. At least mostly nonfiction, because, as a means of therapy, I’m probably going to toss in a few things I wish I had said to these people, but couldn’t due to the fact that I like being employed. Don’t worry, I’ll mark them clearly. Enjoy!

Woman: Do you have a stapler I can borrow?
Graeme: Yes ma’am, here it is.
Woman: Good, because that woman at the desk over there said I couldn’t borrow hers.
Graeme: Well, the reference desk isn’t allowed…
Woman: I just need to staple one thing, I don’t see why she couldn’t just let me do it. The stapler was sitting right there.
Graeme: Well, here’s ours.
Woman: Are you in charge? Is your manager here? Let me speak to the woman in charge.
Graeme: Well, the circulation manager isn’t here right now, but I can leave a message for her…
Woman: Is she the one in charge? Does she have a boss? I want to speak to her boss.
Graeme: Our library director is only here until five, and then only some days.
Woman: Well, I want to talk to her.
*staples two sheets of paper together and leaves*

That woman later called our director and demanded that the reference librarian that didn’t let her borrow a stapler be fired.

*I answer the phone*
Graeme: Circulation Desk.
Old Southern Lady: Yes, I was wonderin` if y’all could look up a word in a book for me.
Graeme: Sure we can.
O.S. Lady: Okay well hold on let me hunt it, I was looking for your number so long I lost my place. *sound of a lamp being turned on, much page riffling* It’s Mezzerahirhah (I have no clue how to spell what she actually said from memory). It’s a name of a king in the Bible.
Graeme: Okay, it’s a name? What do you want us to look up on it?
O.S. Lady: The definition.
Graeme: Of a name?
O.S. Lady: Yes, of Mezzerahirhah.
Graeme: Okay…hold on just a second. Yes ma’am, it’s just like I thought, Mezzerahirhah doesn’t have a literal definition.
O.S. Lady: But I need to know what it means.
Graeme: Well, I’m sorry, but a lot of names don’t have literal meanings, and we can’t do the etymology for you.
O.S. Lady: Eddawhat?
Graeme: …let me transfer you to the reference desk, maybe she’ll be able to help you.
*fifteen minutes pass*
Reference Librarian: Could you understand a word that woman said?
Graeme: Yeah, I have a few deep southerners in my family. Did you find what she wanted?
Reference Librarian: Yeah, I told her it was someone in the Bible.

Man: Do you folks have a hammer I could borrow?
Graeme: A hammer? No, I don’t think so.
Man: Oh, okay. Well, do you have anything really heavy I could hit this lady’s starter with?
Graeme: …let me check.
*I go to the back, knowing I’m not going to find anything heavier than a water bottle. There’s a very loud backfire outside the library*
Man: Nevermind.

Graeme: You have a $.30 fine.
Woman: Do you take credit cards?
Graeme: I’m afraid not, no.

Man: Yeah, these books were in your sale room, how much are they?
Graeme: $.25 each.
Man: Are you sure?
Graeme: Yes, all of our sale books are $.25.
Man: You’re certain? Even these?
Graeme: Yes.
Man: I think you’d better check with your supervisior. I don’t want you to get in trouble.
Graeme: Okay, sure.
*Gets the circ manager*
Man: Ma’am, how much are these books?
Manager: $.25.
Man: Okay then.

Very Small Child: Are you a man?
Graeme: Yes.
Mother: I’m so sorry, he still thinks everyone with long hair is a woman.
Graeme: The librarian thing doesn’t help me much, does it?

Okay, for the next one I need to fill you in a little bit. A lot of our patrons bring in bags to carry their books in. We even sell some with our name on them. So, the fact that this next lady had a large carrying bag on her arm wasn’t the least bit strange.

Graeme: Okay, you still have two late books on your card.
Woman: What are they?
Graeme: *names two books*
Woman: But, I turned those in!
Graeme: Well, if you put them in our book drop they won’t be checked in until the morning, so that’s okay.
Woman: No, I turned those in weeks ago! Right here! Let me go look for them.
*She disappears around a corner walking towards the shelves. Just a few moments later she reappears, much quicker than would have been possible if she had actually gone to the shelves to look for two books that were in different locations. Two books she just happens to have in her hand*
Woman: Here they are.
Graeme: Well, I’m sorry. I’ll just take them off your card then.
What I wish I could have said : Lady, I’ll pay the damn fine if you’ll just admit that you went around that corner and pulled those books out of that bag on your arm.

This next thing has happened several thousand times.

Patron: I’d like a card, please.
Graeme: Okay, I’ll just need to see proof of address.
Patron: Like what?
Graeme: A driver’s license, a bill, anything with your current address on it.
Patron: Oh, here’s my driver’s license. *pause* It’s not my current address, though.

I’ve even gotten ones from other states before. I don’t know why they think that this helps me. The next two stories are the exact same lady, one around Christmas, one just about three months ago.

*Last day before we close for Christmas*
Woman: So you’re closing for two weeks? That’s good. You deserve it. You people are here all the time.
Graeme: Well, thank you.
*Two weeks later*
Woman: Why were you gone so long?

*Phone rings*
Graeme: Circulation Desk.
Woman: Do you have any books on Homer pigeons?
Graeme: Hom…Homer pigeons?
Woman: Yes.
Graeme: Hold on, let me check. No ma’am, although we do have several books on Hom ing pigeons.
Woman: No no, I want Homer pigeons.
Graeme: Ma’am, I’m afraid those don’t exist. You’re thinking of Homing pigeons.
Woman: No I’m not.

Then why did she come in later that night and check out five books on them? 🙂

Well then, thanks for listening to me vent, and I hope I entertained at least some of you.