Graeme rates various fast food restaurants.

For the purpose of this feature, I’m defining a fast food restaurant as any place that can serve food nearly instantly in assembly line fashion through a “drive-thru” window. Then I rate them. That’s it for introduction. Read the feature now 🙂

McDonald’s : I used this restaurant to set the standard by which all the others would be judged. Why? Because they’re everywhere ! There is literally not a place known to humanity that you can go to where you can’t find the golden arches. They’re in the middle of death valley. There’s one with the scientists in Antarctica. The McDonald’s module for the International Space Station will be completed by 2004. There’s a floating Mickey D’s that travels the globe, looking for lost sailors in the oceans. They’re installed in planes for christ’s sake! How’s the food? It’s okay. Some things are better than others. While the McRib is simply astounding, it’s only a part time thing. Your results may vary. In the end, the food is good but not great, mediocre at times. But if you’re starving in the Amazon rain forest, chances are you can find one hanging from a vine system in the canopy. McDonald’s score is set at a firm 100. All others will be rated against it.
Score: 100

Wendy’s : This is the best fast food burger joint you’re going to find. At least, as long as you stay within my restrictive definition of fast food I invented for this feature. The burgers are excellent, the Chili is great, the fries are good; hell, it’s a perfect dining experience. The servings are even huge once you ‘Biggie size’ them! They have like salads and baked potatoes and stuff too, but I wouldn’t know about that. Add in the fact that all of this is no more expensive than McDonald’s and you’ll see why I rarely venture to the arches while I’m on my home turf.
Score: 140

Burger King : Is this the most vile of the fast food burger joints? No, no it is not. Is it in the running? Hell yes! The food is barely edible here! I was hoping it was just the one in Canton that was horrid, but after vigorous taste testing in both north, south, and west…it’s just bad. Everything is a pale imitation of the McDonald’s brand, only craptacular. Their cow products make me sick. No food makes me sick. But every time I eat at a Burger King, my stomach bitch slaps me for me stupidity. The chicken dishes they create don’t make me ill, but they don’t taste like they might have ever even met a chicken, much less be made of them. So what is the one saving grace of this restaurant? Great fries. For whatever reason, I love Burger King’s fries. That is the only thing allowing it to get the score it has.
Score: 40

Arby’s : Shifting away from the straight burger joints, let’s hit a roast-beef cookery. The food at Arby’s is good…so long as they stick to what they know. I stop by here every so often when I feel like downing a ton of roasted beef products. The sandwiches are good. The fries are merely passable, and their subs pale in comparison to both Blimpie and Subway…two restaurants I had to disqualify from this feature thanks to my determined definition of fast food. At any rate, so long as you like a good roast beef sandwich, this place is wonderful. Other than that, though, I can’t see any reason to ever eat here…so that affected its score just a little bit.
Score: 101

Hardee’s : It’s like an Arby’s, only not as good, and permanently associated with the California Raisins in my mind. Back on the 8th grade band tour, we ate at the Hardee’s in my town all four days, because some of the girls in our clique thought it was great. I’ve only eaten there once since then, and that time only because it was either Hardee’s or toaster leavings. It doesn’t help that our Arby’s is directly across the street. Actually, it’s not helped much by the Raisins or Jayde associations either. And, damnit, the sign that says “Six Dollar Burger Only $3.95” bothers me to no end. How can it be a six dollar burger if you don’t charge six bucks? HOW?
Score: 70

Krystal’s : The gimmick is stupid as hell, but some of my friends seem to love the place. That is my only opinion.
Score: 80

Taco Bell : I think I’ve mentioned the all purpose meat that goes into every Taco Bell product, and how it creeps me out, on the site already. But I try not to think about it. Taco Bell is really a miracle of food service. It’s never going to be the place where gourmets go to chow, but the food is still good. But even that is missing the main attraction of Taco Bell. This is the only place on earth where you can feed every person you’ve ever met for under $10. Feed them until they’re engorged! Whenever they mention how many cents a day will feed a child in Uganda, I always imagine them lined up in front of a Taco Bell built out of mud, giving their two American nickels for a five pound sack of nachos.
Score: 110

Kentucky Fried Chicken : Do you know that their name has legally been changed to KFC? So, technically, Kentucky Friend Chicken no longer exists. Anyway, I’m pretty sure this is the single most expensive fast food restaurant I’m reviewing here. But it’s earned it. This the closest thing to “real” food anyone is ever going to hand you out of a window nigh instantly after placing your order. Sure, it’s only chicken. But it’s such a variety of chicken you’ll never notice. I have a preference to the honey bbq myself. Oh, and in lieu of the normal fries you can get anywhere, this place serves a far wider variety of side dishes. Macaroni, cole slaw, biscuits, and the ultimate in fast food potato devices: The Potato Wedge. You will bow before it and worship it. I’ve seen one walk on water! Then I ate it, and it was soggy. Anyway, if you even vaguely like chicken, there’s something for you here. Score: 120

Chick-Fil-A : Another chicken only place. While I give them credit for consistently having some of the funniest commercials on television, the food is sub par compared to the Colonel’s.
Score: 90

Long John Silver’s : I don’t like sea creatures when they’re carefully prepared in real restaurants. Why would I want assembly line “fish”? No type, just “fish.” I can stomach their popcorn shrimp (I’m not a big fan of shrimp, either), and the fries are okay. That’s what I’ll give them. Fries.
Score: 10

Captain D’s : No redeeming values.
Score: 0