I ate Jesus and now he’s unhappy.

Reasons To Do Something

1) It’s tedious
Yeah, this is the main reason I’m getting sick of editing. Despite the fact that editing a novel is a strange sort of fun, the thing is 263 pages long. That’s a lot of red pen. And then I have to go rewrite those sections. Then add the new scenes. Then rinse and repeat. All in all, it’s about as much fun as a barrel full of cocaine smoking ass cracking monkeys of Satan.

2) It smells of death
When picking your bamboo shoots, it’s important to avoid the ones that smell like cabbage. These have been visiting by the Easter Travis, who has left tiny little spawn in their midst. These can cling to your eyes and cause cataracts. And then they shoot forth, fully grown, from your forehead, clutching Canon printers and screaming Democratic slogans. And they eat puppies, too.

3) You’re a fool
Who the fuck told you to buy an Eastern European car? I don’t care if it was Buddha, he’s just a sand jerk anyway. Leaning against trees and smoking weed. He thinks he’s the shiznit.

4) Amalgam
When milking a hamster, it’s important to squeeze her tits gently. Too firm, and she’ll grown thirty feet and start gnawing on your head. When this happens, it’s best to grab your surgical shotgun and hit her nine times in the head with duck shot, reloading on the run. It’s quite possible she will attempt to smother you with love. This is why you brought the butcher knife.

5) Little reward
I have no previous published novels, or anything in the Wall Street Journal or New Yorker. My biggest writing credit, sadly, might be this website. That’s what I have to entice an agent to believe I’m worth their time to read the manuscript I’m hawking. And that’s why I’ve tied you, my audience, to chairs and gagged you to prevent you from saying anything bad about me. So long as you manually change your IP address 30 times a day and click endless on Jux, you’ll be fine, and you’ll be fed. And your cats will be returned. Oh, you had a dog? Well it’s a cat now.

6) First it giveth
Made with real fruit excellent source of vitamin c low fat okay good bye now.

7) It’s okay to be gay.
It is NOT okay to lose.