Damn random self deleting files!

Recently, I revealed Jesus’s secret plan to come back in 2435, or perhaps even sooner, to kill our women and rape our trees. Many of you immediately wondered: Why rape the trees? Obviously, you don’t know much about the complexities of modern life. Thanks to the fact that we have effectively side-stepped evolution at this point, modern man is no longer adapting to better fit his environment. Jesus has decided to use the forced reproductive method to fix all of these problems, and then some. Let’s look at the results he will accomplish, shall we?

1) No more racism
By being the only human to produce viable offspring, Jesus is insuring that there will no longer be any racism in the world. We’ll all look like leafy Jews. He’s also taken the precaution of magically changing his genes so that they will never cause inbreeding. Otherwise we’d all end up looking like leafy Alabamans. That’s not to say that the new human race will be boring. Jesus plans to rape ALL the species of trees, creating acceptable levels of diversity in our appearance. Hopefully not enough to cause an arboreal KKK to form, though.

2) Better protection
Thanks to the wonderful powers of our brains, humans have created a world filled with sharp pointy metal things and bits of jagged plastic, not to mention giant lumps that go faster than any sane person would want them to. These things cause great danger to modern humans, with our moist squishy body chemistry. Jesus’s tree men will solve many of these problems, although there are tradeoffs. Their walking and running speeds will be lower than Homo Sapiens. Jesus feels that since we hardly ever rely on our feet to actually get us anywhere anymore, that this won’t be noticed. We’ll loose that soft, silky feel of skin that we’ve all come to know and love, but we’ll gain hard bark! No more accidentally cutting off your finger while cooking dinner! No more getting stabbed while going to the movies in Atlanta! Think of the wonders of the tree men.

3) Better appearance
Jesus is appalled at how human genetics have allowed a growing number of men and a shocking number of women to eventually go bald. He feels that there is no way for this to be completely eliminated via the hair method, so his tree men will all have leaves. Everyone will lose their head leaves at the same time each year, thus, no one will ever be called “chrome dome” again. Naturally, the evergreen people will still have their needles all year, but as one of the test subjects in Jesus’s lab said: “Who cares about that if they’re ugly and pointy year round?”

4) Easier reproduction
There will be no more rapes, after Jesus is finished…raping. Our sexual desires will be replaced with a simple planned releasing of pollen. True, it’ll be a few days before anyone else is able to breathe, but think of the benefits. No more wondering if that guy is interested in you just because of your tits (you won’t have any, for one thing…)! All he could possibly like about you is your mind. And maybe your money. He gets to mate with any female in wind distance year round. He has no reason to skirt chase. It also helps that Jesus decided to eliminate the orgasm. Of course, there are drawbacks behind the breathing thing. Girls will randomly get pregnant without realizing it starting at the age of 13 and probably going every year after that until the end of their reproductive days. Don’t take this to mean more than it is however. They only have to give birth to something the size of an acorn now.

5) Mosquitoes hate sap
Enough said.

6) No obesity
Perhaps the best benefit for all American tree men is that you no longer get fat if you overeat. The more food you consume, the taller you get! Granted, you do get a bid wider, but it’s always within sane proportions. At no point do you get the wonderful beer belly. Speaking of beer, there’s probably no point in drinking it anymore. Ever heard of methanol?

7) Oak women are hot as hell
Word, j0.