I can already hear people being offended. Oh well.

10) Sheets
This is the Christian thing to do. Poor Mexican college students are forced to attempt to learn the alphabet without the aid of nice towels or sheets, stemming from the Mexican government’s ban on anything that could be used as a turban. In these troubled times, one can never trust anyone wearing a turban. If the average dirt farmer is prohibited from making and wearing one as an oh-so-sexy fashion statement, it makes it much easier on the government to nab the real evil Muslims when they show up. Protest this infernal law. Sponsor a Mexican sheet buddy today!

9) Watches
The dirty little secret behind Mexico’s faltering economy is that they have no way to tell time. No one has ever bothered to sell a watch in Mexico. The Aztecs believed precision quartz timepieces could summon the dark god Hooyawanmekeel to devour their maize, and the belief has stuck with them ever since. They have a few public domain sundials, but they only tell you if the sun is up. Which it usually is. Further problems exist with the fact that they have no idea what a watch is, but if you take the time to smuggle one in, the least you can do is explain what it does to the little man who just bought it for 10,000,000 pesos because it was shiny.

8) CRT monitors in television
Common folk lore in Mexico says that a hollowed out CRT makes the best fish tank possible. Common folk lore also holds that the more rockin’ your fish tank, the more children you have. The more children you have, the more you can sell into slavery. The more you sell into slavery, the more cheap booze you can afford. See where I’m going with this?

7) Fish
Since you have to get drunk to fish, and you have to have a fish tank to get the money to get drunk, Mexico suffers from an extreme shortage of fish. Granted, it’s not very easy to smuggle live animals anywhere, but a few dozen guppies can sustain the tequila business indefinitely. Until shoot all the TV’s they’re in. While drunk. And bored.

6) MP3 players
You know, I’m not going to bother to explain this one. If you’re the type of person who can appreciate the ironic humor of passing out iPods in a village without running water, you’re laughing already. You’re also a very mean person. Shame on you.

5) More MP3 players
Hahahehahehhaehhahhahhehahehhahhahehhehahhahahahhahahahhahahehheheeehehhahahahhahahahhahehheahhahehehehahhhheehheahhhahahhahahahahhehehaheheahhe.

*cough*

4) Copies of Harry Potter
Smuggling English copies of the Harry Potter books into Mexico is not only popular because people there love the tales of the spry young wizard with daring bravery, but also because they learn essential English skills from them! It’s best if you bring the British versions that have all the extra u’s intact. Just think, that for every copy of The Prisoner of Azkaban that you sneak into Mexico, there’s one more person who’s going to be able to jeer at border guards in English as he runs past them to freedom and a decent job.

3) Pants
Mexicans like pants.

2) Midget doctors
Every day at least half a Mexican dies from inadequate medical care. If there was something you could do about it, wouldn’t you? It may be hard to sneak a full size doctor in, sine they’re quite large and well paid, but a midget doctor would be able to work wonders in the bountiful land of Volkswagen factories. Not only could you fit one in a suitcase, but they’re so berated in their home country that they wouldn’t want to come back! And if they did want to come back…well, you didn’t exactly let them take proof of citizenship with them, did you? Good boy.

1) Mexicans
*cough*

Disclaimer: Please don’t bother emailing me or IM’ing me or whatever if this offends you. We’ve been doing this quite awhile now, and if you haven’t figured out how The Jux Entente operates by now, we really don’t need you reading it. This meant to be funny. Remember laughter? Does anyone remember laughter? If you’re really upset, just go back and re-read it, replacing every instance of Mexico with Iowa. Actually, I should have done that anyway. Screw it, this feature is now officially “The Top Ten Things To Smuggle Into Iowa.”