No, don’t just throw it in the trash! Dear God, please! My salary!

Welcome to Nihilism National Headquarters, where only the pancakes are free of angst and chocolate chips! Bring us your tired, your pathetic, your teenaged masses, and we will spin for them a tale of ultimate sorrow, worse than any country singer could ever imagine. Tremble at the story of a man whose dog ran up a tree, fell down into a garbage truck, causing it to explode, sending nine…teen pieces of shrapnel through his wife and new car! Quiver at the tale of a young Beatrice, who burned her face off with acid rather than feel the touch of the unclean…the boys. Now she’s in a Smashing Pumpkins tribute band! Undulate at Gail, who was born without a heart, and now leads our lunchroom staff. Shiver at Steve, a brave boy whose first girlfriend dumped him after three weeks, leaving him unable to survive in human society. Pulsate at Lisa, who slept with fourteen guys in an hour, in chemistry class, just so she could feel something other than the emptiness in the pit of her stomach, which threatened to consume her. Now she works in our ‘special’ grotto.

Nihilism National Headquarters is a fully stocked misery-palace, with the following facilities offered free to guests paying rent:

The Unpleasure Palace : Our on-site brothel contains nothing but the best in anorexic, anemic, insecure prostitutes with no skin pigment. They’ll gladly have sex with you while weeping and complaining about how you think they’re ugly, and/or making fun of you and belittling your sexual prowess. Grotto privileges are extra, but include unlimited access to the leaf piles.

The Arcadian Café : Our Cafeteria is second to none in the Goth-food business. We have three thousand different kinds of coffee available at any given moment, plus a choice of over nine thousand vegetarian meals, ranging from three-cheese macaroni to Top Ramen. For that extra ambiance, it’s lit only by candles and hate.

John D. Rockefeller Concert Hall : Musical performances happen all the time in our 5,000-seat nightclub style concert hall. Daily performances by Switchblade Symphony, the members-of-The-Smashing-Pumpkins-That-Aren’t-Billy-Corgan, Tool, and Zwan. Sometimes, when he gets a bit plastered, even Ringo Starr has been known to drop by for an impromptu classic butchering! But, you know what they say: “Ringo is sorta better than no Beatles at all, kinda, I guess.”

(Note: Now that she’s no longer completely washed up, Paula Abdul has stopped managing our concert series. Once the American Idol phase has ended in America, we suspect she’ll be back. Until then, her assistant Tiffany will be booking all events, and cleaning up the vodka and popcorn on the floor.)

Lucille Ball Junior Movie Theatre : Currently showing: Donnie Darko, Quills, Spirited Away, The Shining, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and The Craft. Opening soon: Jeepers Creepers 2 through 19. All showings are free!

Livejournal Internet Café : Access to other websites is charged on a per-minute basis. Free broadband internet access is provided in all rooms, however, should you provide your own PCs.

Still not sounding good enough for you? You want MORE? How about a listing of what comes with each room?

1) An extra-long twin bed, dorm style, and a cleaning service provides fresh black sheets and blankets every three days.
2) A 27″ TV with DirectTV service.
3) Small stereo with XM satellite radio.
4) Microwave
5) Deep tub with VERY hot water on tap.
6) Picture of Trent Reznor and/or Avril Lawhatsit.
7) Desk with straight razor holder.
8) Small pharmacy.
9) Black light.

So, as you can see, we are well equipped to provide for our guests. Come, revel in our darkness and angst! Access is only $600 a month, and it provides all you could ever need!

We’ll be bitching about anticipating you!