You’re a stranger, so, what do I care?

Proving yet again that I’m not as much of a straight-up nerd as many people think I am, have I ever mentioned to any of you that I like baseball? Or, rather, I used to like baseball, back in the early 90’s. I played little league, and I watched Braves games with unbridled enthusiasm. To this day, while I never care about jack or watch much of anything during the regular season, I regularly follow the stats and watch the post season games. While the Braves have lost yet again, despite being the best team in baseball, I’m still paying attention…and I thought I’d let you know why, all while telling you why the other sports suck so badly.

Baseball
There are so many things this sport has that others don’t. Real history, is one. This is a game that was played, pretty much in its current form, in Confederate prison camps. The first championship game was played in 1903 , for crying out loud. I’m obsessed with history. When you walk into a good ballpark, you get that feeling…you can feel all that’s happened there before. In comparison, when I walk into, say, The Georgia Dome…I think back to previous concerts I’ve seen performed there. That’s just one of the things that makes baseball great, though. Part of it’s equipment is one of the best weapons ever created, the baseball bat! Unless you’re a crazed individual starring in a delightfully campy late 80’s movie, you’ve never considered a hockey stick or golf club a true weapon. But the history of beating people with baseball bats is a long as the sport itself. There are a lot of other things I could mention, but I have to move on to bashing the other sports.
Best movie about baseball: The Sandlot! (…okay, fine, just kidding)
Best movie about baseball, starring Tom Hanks and Gena Davis: A League of their Own
Worst movie about baseball: Angels in the Outfield

Football
I’d rather watch professional golf than football. Americans tease soccer fans all the time about how almost nothing happens in their sport. Well, just as much nothing happens in football, except with more violence! Much like fishing and ‘hunting’, the real purpose of this sport is to see how drunk you can get and still participate in some way, either by playing or (most likely) by watching. This is also the perfect example of how any sport is fun until the rules lawyers get to it. Football, if played with only the most basic tenets in place, is fun. Football, if played with professional rules, sucks ass. Also, its name is a complete misnomer.
Best movie about football: None
Worst movie about football: Varsity Blues

Golf
Why do people watch this sport? It’s supposed to be a fun, relaxed way to spend a day with friends. Kind of like a quilting bee. Does ESPN show quilting bees?
Best movie about golf: Happy Gilmore, and I’ll stick to that. Damnit.
Worst movie about golf: Armageddon

Hockey
This sport sucks because it’s just not fun to watch. There’s nothing WRONG with it, except the sport itself. I think the only reason people watch it is because the rules lawyers HAVEN’T reached it yet, so it still maintains that visceral thrill. But they’re getting there. The league is already discouraging fights. What will you do then, huh? Also, when the equipment used to prepare the playing surface for a sport is more interesting than the sport itself, shouldn’t that tell you something? Maybe? Canadians, eh?
Best movie about hockey: The Mighty Ducks
Worst movie about hockey: The Mighty Ducks

NASCAR
Yes, I know it’s more difficult than it looks.
Yes, I know that it’s doing nothing but watching cars go around an oval for hours on end.
Seriously, this sport could benefit a lot from discouraging everyone from driving the exact same car, and by putting them on a damn road course now and then. And I’m not even going to dignify it by using the movie section to make a Days of Thunder joke.

Soccer
It’s…soccer.