Happy Holidays!

Greetings. This is your Lord and Savior. I’m glad you’re enjoying the season of my birth. You have no idea how pleased I am to see that, many years after I left this earth, people still appreciate me. However, I’ve noticed some disturbing trends in the past few hundred years that I just can’t ignore.

Every year I see more and more Christmas specials that decry the commercial aspect of Christmas. I must urge you, my true believers, to IGNORE these messages! It’s the same filth that’s been spread by the Amish and Mennonites for years! By Monks for even longer! Fear not, true believers. I want you to live over your means. I want you to spend all your money on gifts.

Do you not enjoy this planet I have given you? Why, why do people not appreciate my gift? Americans do not consume to many resources! I put those resources there for you to use! If I didn’t want you to burn all the oil I put in the ground, do you think I would have put it there in the first place? Do you think I, your loving God, would tempt you in such a way? Everything on this planet is there for you to use. There’s no such thing as pollution. Yes, you heard me. All the members of Green Peace serve The Enemy. They even took out the passage in the bible where I promised you ANOTHER planet after this one is exhausted! There is no shortage of resources! So, you see, don’t let that worry you. Worrying about conservation of resources is no reason to deny your children, your friends, or your family a Merry Christmas.

The spirit of Christmas is in giving. Give your money to stores! Give your gifts to friends! Remember, the more you spend, the more the people who work at the stores and factories can spend on their friends. If you are frugal, and do something silly like make your own gifts, you’re ruining their Christmas. Do you want to do that? Do you?

Please, my children, don’t listen to the voices of hate and treachery that tell you to conserve, to save money, and to appreciate the “true” meaning of the season. You already are. Environmentalists serve The Enemy. Charlie Brown and his Christmas special were created by Lucifer, the Mourning Star. Is that what you want your Christmas to be about? I didn’t think so.

I love you all, even those that don’t love me. Give your children cars this Christmas! Tell them they’re from Jesus!