Nothing is more fearsome than the Sea Antigone. Fear its Greekness!

Winner: The Miniature Electric Chair Business
Ever since the New Philogian messiah, Phil Phillips, was executed for crimes against the Cheese Growers of America in May, the miniature electric chair business has seen a huge upswing as members of the new faith buy them for necklaces and other such jewelry, to show their faith. The New Philogian Salmon car ornament is expected to be a huge seller in 2004, as well.

Loser: Cats
Every year, several cats die. This trend continued in 2003. Nothing has yet been done to solve this problem, which is perhaps the only reason Cats have not completely replaced dogs as pets.

Winner: Michael Jackson
I hear his sex life was much better this year than last year. Good job Michael!

Loser: Michael Jackson
You’re a pervert, you sick, sick little bastard.

Loser: The World
Because nothing much else happened in 2003 that didn’t involve explosions or bearded men with guns.