Made in Japan.

It’s strange that in a day where we can cure almost anything with enough potent chemicals and/or strategic part removals, people still feel the need to fall back on “alternative” medicine as an approach. To each their own. In the spirit of this, I have spent years of my life dedicated to creating new methods of curing people of common diseases. You may be shocked, but I find the following to be extremely effective when attempted by one of my test subjects. Not me, of course. I believe in real medicine.

The Mercenaries
The key to this method is doing absolutely NOTHING the very INSTANT you get sick. Obviously, if you’re getting sick, your antibodies aren’t doing their job. Either that, or they’re so under budget that their weapons are ineffective against the invaders. What you need are better soldiers. This method isn’t quick, but it will almost always work.

First, start drinking a lot of alcoholic beverages and eating tons of candy, or anything else containing sugars. This is to make your body more attractive. Ideally, you want to seem like something of a fantasy island to the microbes of the world.

Once you’ve done that, you start hanging out with all of your friends as much as possible. Dump the ones that get sick, as they are useless to you. Once you find one or more that seem to be immune to whatever you have, do EVERYTHING with those people. Breed with them if you have to. Just don’t let them out of your sight.

What’s going to happen is that, eventually (these guys are slow learners), the antibodies in your friends’ systems are going to notice just how awesome you are. Hell, it must be a never ending party in your body! Booze all the time, rivers of glucose…totally hat. They’ll start to abandon ship in droves.

Once inside your bloodstream, they’ll realize they’ve been had, as they should immediately come under attack by the disease. There’s nothing left for you to do at this point. They have no choice in the matter; it’s fight or die. They should establish colonies once the war is over and you’re healthy again, passing down the knowledge of the great exodus from generation to generation, insuring that you never get THAT cold again.

Chemical Warfare
Do the same as above, except ignore your friends and increase your chemical intake to the point where every day ends with you blacking out. Keep doing this until healthy. Either the toxic chemicals in your blood will kill the disease, or it will think you’re already dead and flee.

Conscription
You might not know this, but there are tons of able soldiers in your body who never do anything but sit around, eat, and raise families. What kind of life is that? You’re sick, the regular army is defeated…it’s time to draft the bastards.

This method is very different from the ones above. You can’t eat anything, and you can only drink the bare amount of water to stay alive. This is going to make you feel worse at first. Keep it up until the symptoms that got you to start the treatment disappear, which they will rapidly. Do you want to know why?

Because, by not eating, you’re pissing off your fecal coliform bacteria! They’ll take up arms, meaning to revolt against you, and instead they’ll find the massive infestation of their host body and be forced to fight it. Once the disease is dead, you’ll want to start eating again as soon as possible, so the fecal coliforms don’t carry out their original mission and start to digest you from the inside out.

Prevention
Much like sex and Republican administrations, the easiest way to escape disease is to prevent it from ever happening. There are several ways to do this. The easiest is to get a canary, mechanical or real, and keep it with you at all times. As soon as that sucker dies, drop everything and run, no matter where you are.

Keep this up, and you’ll never be ill again!