We’re more than just school closings!

News Update! We’ve had a lot of responses to our report yesterday on the recent outbreak of Jux Entente member sightings in the metro area; more people called in for this story than ever before, surpassing the numbers for “Is Toothpaste Killing Your Child Slowly?” and “Are Car Dealers Bad People?”, our previous two record holders and best examples of our hard-hitting local journalism. Below are some of the brief interviews our operators did with callers:

Pig Killing
Heyuh, my name is Ted and I’d like to report a sightin’. That little bald one was in my yard and sat on my pig Bernice. I had to put her down…he broke her heart, poor girl. – Ted

Sneaky Business
I went outside causin` I heard a racket and I found the cat one playing with the squirrels outside my shootin’ shack. I took the broom after him, and he ran off, so I thought he was gone, but it turned out the next morning he’d impregnanted my nine daughters! That’s what they say, anyway. – Jedediah

Product Purchasing
Yeah, all three of them were in my store yesterday. They bought some chips and soda. Paid with a credit card. – Jeanne

Confusion Causing
Is this the number I call to win the contest? Hello? – Anonymous

Child Abusing
Yes, I would most definately like to report a sighting of those little hellions! I saw the one with the long hair not two days ago and he used the X word around my daughter! Can you believe that? What kind of country is it where someone is allowed to say whatever they want too, I swear! If I see him again I’m going to give him a piece of my mind, and the back of my hand! – Deborah

Deal Breaking
I paid them $10 to pick the apples from my tree, and they did, but then they ate them! I didn’t read the fine print of the contract…DAMN CONTRACT LAW! DAMN IT STRAIGHT TO HELL! – Howard

Pet Hitting
Ayuh, they was here, and they hit my pet penguin with their car. Gorse, that pissed ole Harold off, and he started quackin’ uppa storm and whackin’ the side o’ their vehicle with his flippers and all sort a nonsense. Finally they drove off. Nice kids. – George Jr.

There you have it! Watch the station at 5:00 tonight when we reveal more sightings of the Jux Members, and air our new special report: “The Myth of Shoe Sizes and How They Contribute to the Nation’s Problem with Obesity.”