What the hell is a fuitad, anyway?

Recently, there have been a series of strange deaths in northern Florida. When I investigated, I found only one thing in common between all the murders. Doing a little research at my local library (don’t you dare call me a hyprocrite…it was all public information), I found more murders that fit the same pattern.

At each house, the person was found dead listening to music on repeat. There were only two musicians involved. Apparently, the sounds they create are so worthless to the arts and the human sense of them that they can actually cause people’s brains to implode . The science behind this is new and confusing, so I won’t bore you with it. But it’s TRUE.

So, please, we have to save the children and the ignorant who may not be able to figure out this disturbing lack of artistic value. Can we really ask them to fend for themselves? Please, join us in banning all albums by the Dave Matthews Band and William Shatner.

Sign the Petition!