And people are too.

Hello! You have reached the telephone service for the international society of Winston-Spangler! If you would like this in English, press 1. If you would prefer Deutsche, press 2. For Hindi, press 3. If you speak Spanish or French, please hang up now.

1

If you are calling to thank us for our wonderful work in helping the homeless, press 1. If you are calling to chide us for our involuntary work camps, press 2. If you are calling about both, press 3. If you have forgotten why you are calling, and would like live assistance, please hang up and go to the nearest Winston-Spangler People House.

2

If you are a heathen, press 1. If you are a heretic, press 2. If you are a journalistic heathen, press 3. If you do not understand the big words, press 7.

7

A heathen is a person who is unenlightened to our glorious ways of reforming the unfortunate members of society and of curbing outsourcing by beating the Chinese in competitive pricing. A heretic is someone who once understood our goals but has since lost all their sense. A journalistic heathen is someone who works for a newspaper or other news outlet. Please press the numbers now.

1

If you have an IQ below 60, press 1 now. If you have an IQ above 60, but below 90, press 2 now. If you have an IQ above 90, but below 99, press 2 now. If you have an IQ above 100, press 9 to start the session over again, as you have obviously entered a wrong option somewhere.

*

You have pressed star. That is not a viable option. Do you think we’re insulting your intelligence by suggesting that only those below the median intelligence of a human individual would be a heathen? If so, press 1.

1

We’re sorry, but you are wrong. We have entered your IQ as above 60, but below 90, since you are managing to push buttons. What would you like to say about our People Camps for the previously homeless? Press 1 if you would like to say you were wrong and would like to start over. Press 2 if you would like to say that we are wrong and we should be killed. Press 3 if you don’t understand how anyone could believe that a People House is a good idea. Press 4 if you would like to record a terroristic threat against us for further consideration.

3

Former Vice President Spiro Agnew is on file as saying that “People Houses do exist.” With praise such as that, obviously, you are the one who has erred in judgment. But we are understanding, and thank you for your time. Perhaps you would like to visit a People House sometime soon to see for yourself the glorious revolution we have created in them. Sandwiches are free. Press 7 to go back to previous menu, press 9 to disconnect.

7

Press 1 if you would like to say you were wrong and would like to start over. Press 2 if you would like to say that we are wrong and we should be killed. Press 3 if you don’t understand how anyone could believe that a People House is a good idea. Press 4 if you would like to record a terroristic threat against us for further consideration.

4

Please be aware that we report all terroristic threats and we have the full support of the Republican and Communist parties in our actions. The Department of Homeland Security is far less understanding about the actions of heathens than we are, since they don’t understand your unfortunate mental disabilities. If you would still like to record a terroristic threat, please hold on the line. If you would like to go back to a previous menu, press 7.

…

…

Record terroristic threat now using the buttons on your keypad. Your telephone number, social security number, and credit account with the largest spending limit have already been logged.

151586735413584789435487354135489784613545798451354

…

…

You have threatened to finagle our fish heads into a mail basket and bake them with yew until we plotz. If this is correct, press 1. If you would like to attempt another terroristic threat, press 2. If you would like to go the previous menu, press 7.

2

…

…

Record terroristic threat now using the buttons on your keypad. Your telephone number, social security number, and credit account with the largest spending limit have already been logged.

211416847687684353153486784

…

…

You have threatened to eat all of our sport utility vehicles and gas chromate we children’s gall bladders. If this is correct, press 1. If you would like to attempt another terroristic threat, press 2. If you would like to go the previous menu, press 7.

1

Thank you for contacting the society of Winston-Spangler. We regret to inform you we have rejected your request to be paid attention to. Please do not move from your phone, and wait for 6-8 hours for the Federal Bureau of Investigation to arrive. We look forward to seeing you at your local People House. Don’t forget to buy stock in our parent company, Rebirth Enterprises, before you go!