For dummies.
Water
Water is the cheapest method, since it covers two thirds of the world surface. There are only two things to remember when cleaning your dog with water. First, the water needs to be clean . I cant stress this enough. Ive repeatedly had to handle calls from people who have washed their dogs with oily water, believing for some reason that I am responsible for their oversight. Second, washing with water alone, while cost effective, is only a barely adequate way of getting your pet clean. Not only that, but it is massively time consuming, requiring much effort on your part. There is very little risk to the pet in using this method.
Effort: C-
Hygiene: C
Appearance: C+
Pet Survivability: A+
Soap and Water
Essentially the same as the water technique, it requires a bit more expense (to buy soap) and a bit more effort (to apply and remove said soap). However, there are huge benefits over the water-only method in both Hygiene and Appearance. Dirty water is less of an issue here, but you should still strive for as clean as you can afford. Also, the Pet Survivability isnt quite as high here, as some soaps can irritate your pet, and the dog might possibly be allergic to some brands.
Effort: D
Hygiene: B
Appearance: A
Pet Survivability: A
Bleach
If your pet requires serious cleaning, possibly from introduction to diseased materials or toxic waste. This method can be expensive. Not only that, but it will not leave your bet all that good looking in the end. Its hair will fade to white, or possibly fall out all together. Vision could be permanently impaired. Pet Survivability is not ensured. However, if Fluffy has been digging around in the Love Canal, this is probably the cheapest of your options. Theres also little effort on your part, since its advised that you limit your own exposure to the bleach.
Effort: B
Hygiene: A
Appearance: B-
Pet Survivability: C
Sand Blasting
If you have oil, paint, super glue, or tax attorneys stuck to your pet, you might want to turn to sand blasting. While its not nearly as good as soap and water or bleach for infectious elements, it does wonders for solids attached to your dog. Its also just as good as bleach at removing parasites such as ticks, fleas, and hidden leeches. However, everything from expense to side effects such as blindness is worse than the above methods. Only recommended in extreme cases, such as when Rover takes a dive near the Exxon Valdez.
Effort: B-
Hygiene: B-
Appearance: C
Pet Survivability: D+
Lye
This is your last resort. If none of the above methods sound strong enough to work on whatever insidious chemical is coating your dog, you must resort to dipping the animal in lye. The good news is, it will definitely work. Not even AIDS has been known to withstand dousing with lye. The bad news is, if your dog survives, she wont be very pretty. In fact, shell most likely be an invalid. However, if submitted to lye cleansing from the time they are puppies, some dogs have been known to develop a resistance to the worst side effects. Since you only have to cover your pet with the stuff and then wait awhile, this method is extremely low on effort.
Effort: A+
Hygiene: A+
Appearance: D
Pet Survivability: F
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