Please, come revel in our egotism!
Welcome to the second annual Jux Awards. There have been a few changes since last year that I need to explain to you before we get started. First, there are no more categories for features. Every feature was judged against every other feature on equal grounds. Each active member of the Jux Entente was allowed to vote for two features in a given month, and the award would go to the feature with the greatest number of votes. Unlike last year, where we even brought in someone from outside Jux just to break a tie, I did not consider tie breakers a big deal this year. Thus, there are going to be a lot of features that are going to be tied for an award and given equal billing. But that’s enough preparation, let’s get to the awards!
Best Feature of April 2003: Bendys Breakfast Cereal
When I was little I won a popple pet. Those things could turn inside-out and outside-in at the SAME TIME! How is this possible? They bend space/time.
Despite Kenny’s failure to include marshmallow bits, Bendy’s has become quite successful for the Jux Entente, although now only a stuffed Graeme comes with every box. In all seriousness, this feature is as much remember for introducing the first of the “So and so is hot” controversies as it is for the delectable cereal itself, which is entirely unfair. Not that it isn’t flattering. As you can see from the voting, the core members of Jux all agreed on this feature, something that is actually rare this year.
Voting
Graeme, Kenny, Travis
Runners-Up: April 2003
I’m amazed that two people voted for this feature, since I consider it the least understood Picasso comic of all time. And that includes the one about the damned bottle cap!
Voting
Samantha, Travis
While the rest of Chico the Musical may have petered out, in part because of performance anxiety by other members of Jux, this one song lives on as a modern classic. I have been known to start singing this tune at random, or at least parts of it, at moments that I feel are particularly in need of levity. Or when Travis and I are hiking through the woods, whichever.
Voting
Kenny, Samantha
Where’s Picasso? Check The Cross
I may be the only one that voted for it, but I love this feature to death. This is the first time one of the ideas I had for a Picasso strip was so offensive I debated whether I should do it or not. I’ve done quite a few more since then. I honestly can’t explain why I love this feature so much. It appeals to me on an elemental level.
Voting
Graeme
Best Feature of May 2003: Fiction Snip #1
Travis’s feature eeks out a victory in the closest voting of the entire year! Not to take away from the victory in any way, but this is the only feature in the entire month to receive more than one vote. Either a very good, or a very bad, month for Jux’ing, depending on your interpretation. Definitely worth a read if you haven’t dropped by yet, I could recommend it based on the unlikely naming of a main character after that most unassuming of fish, the Dace.
Voting
Kenny, Travis
Runners-Up: May 2003
Back when people still assumed the new Matrix movies were going to be worth watching, I named a Picasso feature after them. It now stands as both a testament to humor and the ultimate failure of the human experience. Thank you, Warner Brothers.
Voting
Graeme
I don’t care what anyone says, this feature contains the best Picasso punchline EVER.
Voting
Graeme
Graeme Grades Things That Happened Today
I really miss listening to the radio while playing Ragnarok Online. I have been advised not to miss the Cute Private School Girl at all, so I won’t.
Voting
Kenny
You think that’s bad? Just wait until the poor thing finds out it has to be castrated before it’s allowed to join society. I thought that was too cruel to mention at the time.
Voting
Samantha
I wish there hadn’t been so many good features in May, because I really wanted to vote for this one myself. This feature should serve as an example to you all, of never encouraging me to write anything . This is what comes out when you ask me for explanations for random weird comments! Do you hear me!?!
Voting
Samantha
I find myself actually wondering what happened to these people. I wish I could meet them. They sound cool.
Voting
Travis
Best Feature of June 2003: Product Review: The Pocket Kenny
The Pocket Kenny likes the swear, and a flaw in the early software causes him to randomly say nothing but the word Teat for four hours at a time.
The more things change, the more they stay the same…another “product” feature wins an award! Everyone but Kenny himself voted for this one, and I’m not sure why he abstained. Maybe the humor hit too close to home. Maybe he’s mad that I never bought him the CLIE or UNIX server mentioned in the feature. Maybe he’s worried he’ll start saying Teat endlessly again. In any case, thanks to my continued devotion to YPC/Rebirth Enterprises features, I think this is one that’s ripe for a sequel.
Voting
Graeme, Samantha, Travis
Runners-Up: June 2003
Is it the best feature Kenny’s ever done? Probably not. Is it the funniest ? I think Tanooki Mario speaks for all of us.
Voting
Graeme, Kenny
Bobby The Deity Neon Genesis Supra Chronicles Alpha XX: Prologue
Bobby the Deity is a series that has fallen quite far away from it’s original tree, yet continues to be popular. In my opinion, the best part of this entire chapter the saga is the title.
Voting
Kenny
Top Ten Things To Smuggle Into Mexico
You may think the feature’s a joke, but it’s actually entirely serious. Travis nearly got caught smuggling his sheets, and has the scars on his ankles to prove it. It’s not an incident he likes to talk about.
Voting
Samantha
Am I Strong Enough To Be Your Polymorph?
Let it never be said that I shy away from obscure jokes.
Voting
Travis
Best Feature of July 2003: Kitty Can’t Draw
Kenny owns the month of July, and with good reason. This feature is better than half the Picasso comics I’ve created over the years. And it even uses one of my favorite tricks: the dead cell punch line! Kenny’s powers as a satirist are obviously an untapped gold mine. The core members are united again in voting.
Voting
Graeme, Kenny, Travis
Runners-Up: July 2003
This feature was really sweet and really funny. Seriously, it makes me go “Awwww” whenever I read it.
Voting
Graeme, Travis
Graeme’s Italian Travel Journal: Volume One
Nothing more than a long chronicle of my first set of experiences living in Italy, it’s hard to not say a few good things when you’re as long winded as both I and that feature are.
Voting
Samantha
Another Kenny feature to dominate this month. You know, I’ve worked here for years, and I’ve never seen that midget. Must be a really short one.
Voting
Samantha
Samantha’s first feature for the site steps in to break the monopoly the core members have held on the awards up to this point. For the record, more than a few people wear bikinis with outies. Travis, for instance.
Voting
Kenny
Best Feature of August 2003: Three-Way Tie!
This category is our first tie, and it’s between THREE different features. I’m going to list them in the order they were voted on.
The Jux Entente’s Back To School Special
Teachers, they behind the times right? So they dont know that kids dont carry pencil boxes anymore, ya see? So you can be dealin your shit out of here all the time and all nice like and theyll just think you being a nice guy and handing out pencils to all your bros who dont have one. But, those pencils, they be mechanical, dig? And they be stuffed with ice.
Quite possibly the most racist feature ever posted on the Jux Entente, I just thought it was good, clean fun. I can’t even remember what possessed me to write it in the first place, but it was probably petrochemical based.
Voting
Graeme, Samantha
…the infamous toss. I hurled a frog in the air as hard as I could, and we waited for it to hit the water. And waited. And waited. I cannot overstate just how long we waited. Finally, we got bored, and assumed that I had just hit the other shore (a mighty toss indeed), and it was right then that the frog hit the water.
I’m not really sure that this feature, or the events within it, are something to be proud of. Especially now that Pants has become an evil, arrogant little pussy that I have to beat up all the time. Yet, that was a really cool sound .
Voting
Kenny, Travis
Graeme’s Italian Travel Journal Part Due & The Third
I discovered something yesterday while on the train ride back, though. Studying abroad is just like going back to high school, as far as politics go. When you compress a group of young Americans together with few chances for outside association…you get…high school! The only problem is that here, I have no way to escape some of the people. Luckily almost everyone here is cool, and most of them are very nice people. It’s just that sometimes you want to push Jennifer off the train, you know? Oh well.
Parts two and three of my Italian journal will share this award, much as the various segments of Zero did last year, because some people voting for individual segments and some voted for the whole damn thing. Anyway, it was in these parts that I really started to get to know the people, so you get a lot more interesting things about the human element of studying abroad, such as Andrea’s nasty-ass tits on your fridge. Huzzah.
Voting
Samantha, Travis
Runners-Up: August 2003
This feature is just plain stupid, but I love it. Nothing else that good as ever come out of one of those damned question books for teens. I dare you to prove otherwise!
Voting
Graeme
Things To Do Before You Die (Freakin` Bitch Remix)
Before Kenny voted for it, I thought no one else liked this feature. I think this one has always gotten the short end of the attention stick around here from people who just don’t understand the humor used within…
Or, Kenny and I could just be on some weird wavelength, where things like “Stone a muslim with Star Trek props” are funny.
Voting
Kenny
Best Feature of September 2003: Life Threatening Lifestyles
Picasso gets married to a large grizzly bear in ‘Please Don’t Rub Your Back On My Peach Tree.’
Fresh off the Chico: The Musical debacle, I created yet more short plays! This feature is one of the favorite things I’ve ever done, for many reasons. It came out exactly as I wanted it to, which is rare for anything I write. It also signaled, to me, that Jux would indeed get back to normal after my Italy trip. July and August were a slight downturn for us, but by the time I wrote this, I was starting to feel confident in us again…and I know for a fact our readers were, too.
Voting
Graeme, Kenny, Travis
Runners-Up: September 2003
Arab Man Attempts To Ram Skyscraper Into 767
The first year after September 11th, we were solemn. Last year, I was so sick of people trying to manipulate our emotions by playing the 9/11 card, that I felt something had to be done. Despite how ballsy they might claim to be, most comedy sites still haven’t had the guts to make fun of 9/11, and I’m proud we were one of the first. Just wait and see what I have in store this September.
Voting
Graeme, Samantha
Sony Cures Cancer…Two Decades Ago
I never suspected, did you? Wait until you hear what cures AIDs…
Voting
Samantha
Before you ask: No, I will never, ever get tired of making fun of the RIAA. Expect about a thousand more features on the subject in the next year.
Voting
Kenny
King Graeme And The Quest For His
Holy 2004 Pontiac Grand Prix GT2 Part 1
…I love my car…*sniff*
Another Samantha feature gets a vote. I told you we weren’t mysoginists!
Voting
Travis
Best Feature Of October 2003: A Grave Warning To Us All
Many a man has fallen in the battle with the evil Vermillion. It is uncertain when, if ever, his rampage will be stopped. One day, I suspect, it will fall to me to face him again in single combat. Only one of us will survive…and, somehow, I don’t think he’s going to want to write for Jux. Pray that day never comes, gentle readers. Pray!
Voting
Graeme, Samantha, Travis
Runners-Up: October 2003
It’s very important that you follow all of the suggestions in this feature. Otherwise, you could end up a Socialist. And who wants that, really?
Voting
Kenny, Samantha
You Don’t Want To Know Where Those Came From
So ends the tale of the midget Travis.
Voting
Graeme
Well, where did you think Gummi candies game from? Bears? Idiot.
Voting
Kenny
Say that ninty-five times fast while spinning around a baseball bat and see if you can still understand Ozzy!
Didn’t think so.
Voting
Travis
Best Feature Of November 2003: The Many Adventures Of The Butt-Ugly Chicken
This is another month where there was only a single feature that got more than one vote. This one. That poor ugly chick still retains its refugee status. It hangs out on my couch, trying to avoid the eye of the cat which also claims that area home. One day, it will return to the ancestral homeland of ugly chickens. One day…
Voting
Samantha, Travis
Runners-Up: November 2003
The title IS the punchline of this Picasso comic, which doesn’t feature Picasso.
Voting
Graeme
Thanksgiving: The World’s Most Violent Holiday Must Stop!
Hey, someone had to say it at some point. I just wanted to get to it before the Christian Coalition.
Voting
Graeme
This is another underrated Picasso comic, featuring the return of both Youbee’s children, and the debate over how to spell “Hadoken.”
Voting
Kenny
Those really are Pink’s boobs. I bet you didn’t know that .
Voting
Kenny
Unnamed Blob Goes Spiritual – Sort Of
Another blatant rip-off of my cherished intellectual property gets voted for. The shame of it all.
Voting
Samantha
I based Picasso’s facial expression on how Travis looks whenever he hears something perverse now. Like “The Whistle Song”.
Voting
Travis
Best Feature Of December 2003: Two-Way Tie!
Yep, it’s another tied month. At least this time there are only two of them.
My girlfriend says this is her favorite Picasso comic of all time.
She’s a pervert, but the feature still rocks hard 😉
May I also say I’m not the least bit surprised at who voted for this feature, and who didn’t.
Voting
Graeme, Kenny
Picasso’s Kitchen Madness Strategy Guide: Chapter 4
The Pistol
Longtime readers of the Picasso strips know that he keeps a 9mm Beretta strapped to the back of his left eye. Well, its in the game too, although ammunition is strictly limited. In fact, I wouldnt use it at ALL, unless you go to the secret Komodo Kitchen of Klansmen level. The toughest enemy in the entire game resides at the bottom of its pantries of doom; the Sabre-Toothed Salami. This weapon never breaks, but its useless if its out of ammunition. Also, if you dont save Unnamed Blob from the Zombie Bill Cosby in the third level, you cant use it at all, since hell be mistaken for a Jell-O dessert while still holding the only clip in the entire game.
I await with baited breath the day Kenny and I shall work together to forge this game out of code and love. Until then, I just pretend while I play Super Mario Sunshine.
Voting
Graeme, Samantha
Runners-Up: December 2003
Raptor Sues Paleontologists, Discovery Channel
One day, we’re the Brunching Shuttlecocks. The next, I’m pretending I write for the Onion. We’re real consistent here at Jux Headquarters!
Voting
Samantha
A Message From God: Concerning Christmas
I can always count on Kenny to have my back on these extremely funny, extremely true God features. God bless you, stock holder.
Voting
Kenny
Diary Of A Christmas Tree: Entry 1
That insolent tree has been shoved back into the closet from whence it came, fear you not.
Voting
Travis
What In The World Am I Saying?
I no clue have, but I to know would like.
Voting
Travis
Best Feature Of January 2004: Two-Way Tie!
Another month, another tie. Whoo boy.
Scandal Rocks Linguists And Mathematicians
Was Decimal Point going around pretending to be Period, or was Period going around pretending to be Decimal Point?
All these months later, and an agreement has still not been made over just what’s going to happen to poor period. I still can’t believe how easily fooled we are…we should have known, we should have known…
Voting
Graeme, Samantha
Oh Natalie, I remember you so well. Kenny and I, we did love you once, before yo
u went to the clinic and got vaginas for eyes. Now you’re just weird. Kinky, though.
Voting
Kenny, Travis
Runners-Up: January 2004
I’m going to break rank and file here for a second, and say that the following image is one of the funniest things I’ve ever done, in my opinion.
Now, whether or not Jux Entente Press ever actually comes into existence is one thing…but, that facial expression will live forever, regardless.
Voting
Graeme
I maintain that we have no responsibility for any burns suffered as a result of our advice.
Voting
Samantha
I think of this feature every time I drive past the cow pasture on my street. There’s a place right in front of it where everyone always puts up political signs. I’m dying to go out there and put up “We’re not so mad, really!”
Voting
Kenny
Some people say I’m crazy, and that the email that spawned this feature was about enlarging my penis. Why would anyone wnat to do that? Engrailing things is so much cooler.
Voting
Travis
Best Feature Of February 2004: The History Of Groundhog Day
There are only two unanimous winners this year, and this is one of them. Not since the Inkblot Test has a feature Kenny produced caused so much of a stir around here. It deserved every vote it got, especially from the K-man himself. I’m really looking forward to seeing if he does the history of other holidays, like the Fourth of July and my birthday.
Voting
Graeme, Kenny, Samantha, Travis
Runners-Up: February 2004
Its Time To Take Her Home, Mr. Shimpley
Muh awardz! Nooo! First muh charmz, now dis! Noooo!
Voting
Samantha, Travis
Emma Sang The Songs Of Defeat And Degredation
Yeah baby, don’t have have no prejudice against me. I’ll do anything, I ain’t got no pride!
I love this Picasso comic, and it saddens me that no one else did enough to vote for it. But there were many good features this month, so what can I say…maybe next time, Ms. Austen.
Voting
Graeme
Later, Hobart poked him. And then we all had tea.
Voting
Kenny
Best Feature Of March 2004: Phone Systems Are Friendly
You have threatened to finagle our fish heads into a mail basket and bake them with yew until we plotz. If this is correct, press 1. If you would like to attempt another terroristic threat, press 2. If you would like to go the previous menu, press 7.
March is a very, very special month. Not only did this feature win in an unanimous vote, but it almost tied another one. If it hadn’t been for one dissenting vote, there would have been only two features picked for eight votes. The decisions in March were quite easy, because two features rocked so hard.
Voting
Graeme, Kenny, Samantha, Travis
Runners-Up: March 2004
It’s almost unfair to call this a runner up, since it got more votes than most of the winners in the other months. This is the feature that caused our bandwidth use to increase by over ten times! I’ve gotten much better at DDR since then as well…I can now tackle Afronova on Standard and get an A. What else is there to say? The people who were there voted for it…the one who wasn’t, probably just didn’t get it. Sorry Sam.
Voting
Graeme, Kenny, Travis
Questionable Book Found In School Library
I hate censorship, in all of its insidious forms.
Voting
Samantha
The Jux Entente 