No more tossed salads and scrambled eggs.

Dear Network Executives,

With the recent departures of such high profile shows as “Friends”, it seems to me that there must be several holes in your schedules that you need to fill. I have a great idea that would be perfect for that purpose. Since reality TV is both cheap and well loved by everyone, why not create a new show based on similar premise? My idea? I think you should lock Snoop Dogg and Ozzy in a house together with cameras. These two music mascots, both barely intelligible, would be a perfect comedy duo. Watch as Snoop teaches Ozzy to be funky. Watch as Ozzy tries to speak English. It would be great television!

Of course, I also know you’ve had trouble with the FCC lately. Luckily, all of you major networks own your own pay stations, right? Well, I have another idea that would generate some much needed revenue to offsite the hefty fines that have been levied against your wonderful operations, illegally. I hate the FCC. It is the suck.

Anyway, what I meant to say was, you should offer a show that features James Hetfield having sex with Martha Stewart in prison. It would be perfect. Everyone would watch it. It’s erotic, AND it’s a comedy. Best of all, since she has been rendered worthless as a matron of purity, and will soon be sucking gutters for change, it would probably come cheap!

These are just a few of my wonderful ideas. I’ll be glad to give you more, should you require them to save yourselves more effort. Until then, more Survivor, more CSI, less anything that has “very special episodes.” Thanks.