Man, I wish I was rich.

In a fit of drunken inebriatedness, the members of the Jux Entente today announced that they had purchased a high school in suburban Atlanta.

The new school, formerly known as Ulaf Siegal High School, will now be known as the Jux Subsidiary High Experience. There will be a few changes to the school’s policies as well, reflecting with the management change.

1) Instead of the Ulaf Siegal Wombats, all sports teams will now be some for of Jux Subsidiary Hobarts. Go Hobarts!

2) There will be no more football team. In 2004-2005, the Hobarts will participate in Equestrian sports, dog racing, fencing, ultimate Frisbee, and dodge ball. Kick ball and creative sports will return in 2006, if there is proper funding.

3) The school’s dress code is no more. As long as it wouldn’t get you arrested outside, it’s okay inside.

4) The Jux Entente has already contracted a developer to replace the old cafeteria with a series of franchise restaurants. There will be no low carb options.

5) Band classes have been canceled. All school instruments were sold to pay for a new copy of the Prima Porta Augustus to go outside the school.

6) There is no longer a physical education requirement in the curriculum, since it is not at all academic, even if it is healthy. Kids can exercise elsewhere.

7) The school’s song is has been changed; it is now “Battery”. The Alma Mater has not yet been rewritten; new students will briefly be without one.

8) Only 1 in 10 teachers, at maximum, are now allowed to be coaches. This is down from 3 coaches to ever 1 non-coaching teacher.

9) Students have to buy their own art supplies.

10) The football stadium will be open as an official paintball course as of the second semester.

If all goes according to plan, the Jux Subsidiary High Experience will soon be one of the best schools in the state in everything except sports…which don’t belong at schools anyway, according to a Jux representative.

When asked to comment on the many petitions being circulated to get them to rescind their changes to the school’s policy, the head of the project, a Mr. Graeme Hefner, said: “You can tell me what to do with my school when you pay for it.”