Joonlie issa foon Munth.

Most of middle school was spent with us putting figurative guns to each other’s heads, and then presenting the poor soul in the crosshairs with a rather undignified choice to make. A few days ago, I presented you with several of these questions to answer yourself. Question 1 is strictly a philosophical affair, whereas there is a correct answer to each of question 2’s many branches. Let’s begin.

1) If you were forced to screw a dog, would it matter to you if it was a male or female dog?

A: Well, it should matter. While engaging in bestiality is enough of a problem, one should always be aware that sexuality transfers across the lines of species. So, if you’re a male, and you like human women, you should focus on female canines unless you are prepared to start speaking of yourself as a bisexual. Likewise, a homosexual male should be after Rover, not Emma.

However, as with human sexuality, women get a slightly better deal. Most men don’t care if their girlfriend has ever fooled around with another girl. Likewise, most men aren’t going to care if their girlfriend has ever fooled around with a female dog, if they’re okay with the idea of dogs in the first place. As the internet has shown us, there are a disturbing amount of people in the world who are perfectly fine with this…so don’t be surprised if this situation comes up.

2a) If you had a gun to your head, and were forced to choose one or the other…would you sleep with your own mother, or Mrs. Horton?

A: Your own mother. The correct answer is never Mrs. Horton, unless you are already dead. If you’re already dead, you can’t sleep with anyone. Ha-ha.

2b) Same scenario. Roseanne or Mrs. Horton.

A: Next to Mrs. Horton, Roseanne looks downright sexay .

2c) Same scenario. Castration, or one brief Horton love fest?

A: You’re going to lose the thing anyway. At least make it painless.

So, there you have it. You’ve survived an 8th grade quiz. Now imagine doing this several times a day for two years, and you just might have an idea of the sort of hell we went through.