Together, we can save the world.

We have a problem. America is hopelessly, desperately stupid. The problem is not that the stupid breed too often (although they do), but because we geeks breed too seldom! Something must be done! In desperation, I realized we needed a battle plan. So here it is.

The goal: Every intelligent male must have sex with a different intelligent female of breeding capability every week, without using any sort of birth control.

Not only will this overcome the many inhibitions that geeks have, it will also allow us to reclaim the US. With this systematic approach of breeding only with girls who are known to be in fertile cycles, and never with the same one twice until after she has given birth to your last spawn, we can quickly overtake the stupid in just a few generations. Before we take a look at the numbers, we have to lay down some ground rules.

First, every male member enrolled in our breeding program has to at least have an IQ of 140, placing him in the 99th percentile of people in the US. Once accepted into the program, your female partners must at least prove themselves to be of above average intelligence. The smarter, the better.

Next comes the breeding. Although our true goal is to great a race of intelligent citizens, we must not make them UGLY intelligent citizens. Thus an averaging system must be used. On a ten point scale, the combined averaged attractiveness of the partners must reach five. If you’re a three, don’t fret about all the really hot babes you’re going to have to go after. Our program is getting grants that will keep us in a ready supply of Absolut. That should make the process easy! As for the really attractive guys…naturally, we’d like to be able to have them go after mostly the attractive girls as well. But, if the choice comes between having to do a girl who rates a 2, or skipping the week’s procreation, the program insists that you screw the pooch. After all, beauty is only a light switch away.

Not sure where you, or your date, falls on the hotness scale? Use the guide below!

The Guy Scale

Kenny Knapke, Hat Master: 10

Scott Hankinson, Emperor of Awesome: 9

Graeme Hefner, The Hot One: 9

Travis Rosenbaum, The Pick Man: 8.974 *

(picture withheld to protect the innocent)
William Gates: 5

The Girl Scale

Vivian Rath: 10

Amy Lee: 9

Maria Shriver: 4

Now, do you have a general idea where you fall? Good. Just to show you how successful this program will be, let’s crunch some numbers shall we? The population of the U.S. is currently estimated to be 291 million (rounded) according to the last census. Now, 49.1% of those are men, leaving us with 142,881,000 men. We can expect 12.4% of those men to be over 65, so let’s remove them. We now have 125,163,756 men left who we can reasonably assume are able to breed. Now, 99% of them are not going to be of the gifted IQ required for this program, which leaves us with only 1,251,638 men of the proper caliber for our experiment.

If each of those men follows through with our easy plan of relationship-free sex, we could theoretically have 52 children per man per year. However, even assuring that your partner is reasonably fertile isn’t going to give us a 100% yield rate from the humping process, so we assume that 25% of the sex sessions will result in a fetus. That gives us 13 children per man, per year. We now have a theoretical 16,271,294 new genius children in the first year of the program . However, given that some of these children will be miscarried, or born with less than the desired intelligence, we must lower our yield estimates on finished product to 75% of all children conceived. This gives us a still-healthy number of 12,203,471 new genius children per year. Twenty nine of those will be Jux Babies. All in only one year of the program.

Should we continue the program, perhaps even re-using partners, the scope of this endeavor would be amazing.

Through casual, careless sex, we can in fact save the world. Let’s get out there and bag some ugly smart chicks!

*Picture, rating and title done just to annoy Travis Rosenbaum. Actual hotness may vary.