Again.

In honor of the fact that I spent this past weekend doing nothing but German homework, I would like to create a feature on foreign languages.

In honor of the fact that I love ripping off Lore , I would like to rate the languages offered by Babelfish.

In honor of the fact that I love to be both irrelevant and irreverent, I would like to rate the native speakers of these languages on their natural male burliness.

In honor of the best quote from today’s SpaceShipOne X-prize winning launch, I would like to translate the following phrase into all of these languages: “Gravity. It’s not just a good idea, it’s the law.” Naturally, these will be translated by Babelfish, and will not be “fixed” by me, because otherwise, that wouldn’t be funny. Even though I could totally do the German one. Babelfish sucks with “it’s”, so this should be good.

In honor of annoying the most people possible, English is going to be considered the best language ever and better than all of these languages at everything except sucking.

Let’s begin!

Chinese
Yarr, Chinese be the language of pirates, arr harr! Chinese is also one of those funky languages with archaic writing forms. Sure, it’s neat that all of the dialecs of Chinese can read the same thing, even though they might not be able to talk to each other, but it’s got nothing on a phonetic alphabet. What else? Chinese culture is possibly the only one more naturally arrogant than American culture, so big losses there. What reasons are there to learn this language? International business and spycraft. Those are pretty cool, so Chinese gets a decent rating, despite it’s horrible writing system.
Score: C
Burliness: D+
Quote: “重力。It’s 不僅一個好想法, it’s 法律。”

Dutch
Dutch people are pretty cool. Quite possibly the best way in the world to read the Diary of Anne Frank. Hell, you could also buy the best tulip bulbs in the world, and pick up some hookers in Amsterdam in their native tongue!
Score: B
Burliness: C+
Quote: “Ernst. It’s niet alleen een goed idee, it’s de wet.”

French
Just say no to this disgusting language. Even listening to it annoys me. Plus, Paris smells bad. Quite possibly the only culture that is exactly as arrogant as us Americans. Even the food is pompous and annoying. Not to mention it’s not very good.
Score: F
Burliness: C-
Quote: “Pesanteur. It’s pas simplement une bonne idée, it’s la loi.”

German
German rocks. It makes less sense that it thinks it does, but it still kicks ass. You have to love a language where combining any two words is all it takes to make a new one. Need a bike helmet? Fahhradhelm! Need a wallet? Geldtasche! The only downside is that everyone is capable of sounding like a Nazi with only minimal effort, and there’s not much reason to learn it unless you plan on working for BMW. Speaking of BMW, how can you not love a language where every car is a Wagen? Meanwhile, in the country that is now famous for building really big station wagons, everyone thinks they’re not driving one. We call them SUVs, crossovers, Pacificas…whatever. They’re fucking STATION WAGONS YOU BLONDE DITZ! We’d all be better off in Country Squires. Alas.
Score: A-
Burliness: A
Quote: “Schwerkraft. Es ist nicht gerade eine gute Idee, es ist das Gesetz.”

Greek
Ancient Greece is awesome. Modern Greece is only moderately cool. I had to subtract points for My Big Fat Greek Wedding as well. Not t mention the funktastic alphabet.
Score: C
Burliness: B
Quote: “Βαρύτητα. It’s όχι μόνο μια καλή ιδέα, it’s ο νόμος.”

Italian
What I learned while living in Italy: Italians are awesome, the food is great, the country is beautiful, and the roads are scary as hell. Enough said.
Score: B+
Burliness: A-
Quote: “Gravità. It’s non appena una buona idea, it’s la legge.”

Japanese
Same damned written language problem that Chinese has. But the culture is infintely cooler, despite my opinion on anime, which will be covered in a later feature. Japanese thus redeems itself.
Score: B
Burliness: C
Quote: “重力。It’s ちょうどよい考え、it’s 法律。”

Korean
Having played a lot of Ragnarok Online…Korean is to be respected and feared, as are the Koreans themselves. Their cyber powers are second to none. I wish I had their uber fat broadband pipes.
Score: B-
Burliness: C-
Quote: “중력. It’s다만 좋은 아이디어,it’s법률.”

Portuguese
It’s so cute that Brazil speaks this language, don’t you think? There are several times more non-Portuguese Portuguese speakers in that country alone than there are Portuguese. That’s funny.
Score: D
Burliness: C+
Quote: “Gravidade. It’s não apenas uma idéia boa, it’s a lei.”

Russian
Their alphabet hurts my eyes. Now that the Cold War is over, 99% of the reasons to learn this language have disappeared. Allofmp3.com is like a guardian angle, though. Still…the Cyrillic alphabet is eeeeeeeeevil like a weevil.
Score: D-
Burliness: B
Quote: “Сила тяжести. It’s как раз хорошая идея, it’s закон.”

Spanish
European Spanish is good. The Spanglish over here sounds like stones rubbing against a dying cat while being sprayed with lysol from a can that’s almost empty. Mexico also lacks sheets.
Score: D
Burliness: C-
Quote: “Gravedad. It’s no apenas una buena idea, it’s la ley.”

And there you have it.