It’s just a little delayed, it’s still good!

If movies have taught us anything, it’s that the zombies will come eventually. It could be tomorrow. Maybe Wednesday. Possibly Thursday. Friday’s not good for them, but watch your ass on Saturday…anyway, what I mean is, you have to be prepared for when they arrive. Anyone who isn’t ready will become the enemy. This is what makes the zombies powerful, you see. They’re not fast or very bright, but they have amble opportunity to snack on other people that aren’t fast or very bright.

Now, I’m lucky, and you might be as well. America, with its freaky gun-toting population, is better prepared than almost any western nation to deal with the zombie invasion. What do you think the Japanese are going to do with the revolution comes, and our suppressed undead swarm the cities? Toss miniature cell phones at them? Hardly.

Currently, I feel my level of preparation is slightly above average. While I lack firearms, my melee weapons are top notch. In order to better prepare yourself for the pending invasion, I am presenting what I have, and what I wish I had.

As far as firearms go, I have a .22 rifle and not a whole lot of ammunition. While deadly against humans, 22 long rifle bullets lack any sort of take down power. Unless I shoot the zombie in the head. Does anyone know how much brain matter you actually have to annihilate before a zombie goes down? Anyway, I only have about twenty shots, max, so after that this thing becomes a large club. I’m far better off when it comes to melee weapons.

The one weapon that everyone has in their house somewhere is a baseball bat. I’ve got two wooden Louisville Sluggers, so as far as this goes, I’m set. But these won’t do jack shit against zombies. Yes, they hurt. Humans. You might knock a zombie down, but it’s not like the thing is going to notice if you break its arm or something. As far as I can tell, there are two ways to take down a zombie: you either destroy its brain, or simply preventing it from moving. How are you going to do either with a baseball bat? While it’s better than nothing, this is strictly a backup weapon. If you’re trying to hole up in your house, keep this around. If you’re on the move, leave the thing behind, because you can always pick up a big stick somewhere.

I have a bunch of daggers and other novelty weapons, like crossbows. Much like above, with the baseball bats, these are good backup weapons if you’re stuck in house and run out of everything else. Otherwise, I only have three crossbow bolts (bad), and you have to get really, really close to use a dagger (worse). Fuck this shit, right? Right.

Now that we’ve eliminated almost everything dangerous I have by getting rid of novelty weapons, let’s get to my real friend. I own a machete. A nice machete. It’s reasonably long, rather sharp, pretty heavy, and could easily take off a zombie arm. Or head. It’s long enough to keep a good distance, too, so you don’t have to worry about them chewing on you. The biggest bonus is that it doesn’t ever run out of ammunition, which is a plus if there’s a horde between you and your local Wal-Mart.

Before I forget, people with SUVs are going to have a huge benefit. I imagine a Ford Excursion could eliminate the Zombie threat in any given urban area all on its own. Smaller cars will do well, but only if you can avoid getting bogged down in the corpses. If you can track down a Humvee with the fifty caliber machine gun still on it, you’ve just won the zombie war. This is the first thing on my “want” list, but since it’s so expensive and relatively hard to get, I don’t give it that much importance. But if you can find one…more power to you, pick me up on your way to the liquor store.

Now then, what if you’re stuck at home with a car that won’t start? What if you drive a Toyota Echo, and are unable to bowl down zombies (or small dogs)? Then I guess we should look at some more obtainable options.

The number one thing I wish I had is a shotgun. Preferably a Remington 870 of some sort. Nothing, but nothing, is more useful against zombies than a shotgun at close range. Buckshot will take down waves upon waves of zombie bastards. Fill a backpack up with shells, and take ’em down! A common complaint against shotguns is that they don’t have that much range. This is a dumb-ass position to take in the zombie war. Why the hell do you need a deer rifle to snipe zombies? They don’t carry rocket launchers, or anything else. They’re zombies. They shuffle and look dazed and hungry. Why do you even care what they’re doing until the get to shotgun range? Why do you want something with tons of recoil and a slow firing rate, that can take down one zombie at most with a shot? Now do you realize how stupid you are? Good.

The number two thing…actually, there is no number two item. I would just get another shotgun. When the zombies are coming, it’s shotguns for everybody!