Follow these teachings, and find the salvation awaiting you.

When one dresses for style and not comfort, humanity the butterfly is pinned to the mortarboard of oppression and put on display for the amusement of children forever.

Religion and the state shall not be mixed, lest God run for president and lose, thereby invalidating his entire religion, since God couldn’t possibly lose an election.

The master says, that lemonade is for chumps, and those really handed lemons proceed to turn them into colorful and useful hats.

When one reads the New York Times in a vacuum, it becomes the New York Post, and the world is forever changed.

Drink your tears, lest they run into the rivers and poison the salmon.

It is said in the book of Job that upon the second millennium after the son of God, mankind will exhaust its ability to hide more cheese in a single pizza. So it is written, and so it is done.

If your hallway is even on one side and odd on another, then you are in balance, and shall always get to the mailbox on time, unless you fail to remove your doormat before entry.

When you must write something offense to the common misconception of ethics and morality, compose it firstly in Greek or Latin, and then translate it, as from then on you are free from the constraints of society in the name of higher culture, and it will be good.

When you drive a Lexus, your soul begins its journey into torpor, where it gets to meet with Adlai Stevenson, its very best friend.

Believe in yourself and all this time you could never be too sure as to what it is you believe, and you’re still searching for yourself and you’ve yet to find it.

Upon the mount, God did say that Newsweek juxtaposed with TIME is something to be feared, but still more greatly respected than U.S. News & World Report, which is to be urinated upon and danced around like wild natives that God mentioned living somewhere west of Britain.

A secret is you.

You shall not seek to read the bible with an eye towards using your own mind as an interpreter, as creating your own image of God makes you an idolator. Instead, you must do exactly as Kirk Cameron says, lest his website yell at you for thinking independent thoughts; a sin in the eyes of his twisted manichean bitch messiah.

God loves you, his children, and Jesus, his son, equally, and he shall never answer any differently. None of you get to borrow the car.

When you are in doubt about anything you do, whatever you do, don’t tell anyone, as it is much harder to think in the confinement cells of the misunderstanding masses.

Fail to follow the teachings of the great masters of the past, and you shall be doomed to spend your life in the internal torment of the underworld, where the Mourning Star rules under the guise of an infernal pound of cake of infinite sweetness.

It is said in the Gospel of Thomas that upon realizing that the third Roman Empire is consuming itself into an early grave, a fat man with a plan will arise from the ashes of the dieting community and tell the people to eat in such a manner that their bodies will consume themselves, creating an infinite number of skinny dead people. So it is written, and so it was done.

We are all equal in God’s eyes, excepting the filthy Mexicans, lest they take our welfare checks in return for giving us cheap food, a sin in the eyes of God and Baptists.

Make no waves in Moscow, and they shall make no profit in China.

When your song is not cute enough, you shall add a tiny Japanese girl, and all is well.

In all things, America shall not fall behind the French, as to do so would be a mortal sin in the eyes of the Lord.

Damnation, said the Master, before calling OnStar to retrieve his keys.

In the year of our Lord two thousand and three, a man shall rise to lead the largest non-sovereign state of the union of federalist non-sovereign states, and he shall be huge and mighty, and he shall ride upon a vehicle larger than fifty men, and he shall accuse his opponents of being women, and it will be somewhat okay.

Breach not the walls of her virginity if she is not of sound mind, for we do not stick it in the crazy.

Life is like a box of chocolates. Nothing is properly labeled, and it is generally not considered proper to squeeze things to determine their true nature.

Dance the dance that we have made, and drink the wine, after which you shall not drive.

If your actions are not in key with this Gospel of Graeme, the kingdom of Heaven shall be NO YUO, and your laptop’s battery life shall always fall short of manufacturer’s expectations, for all eternity.

You shall not censor the free expression of ideas by anyone, lest they find themselves in the same position of power that you were in before, and in that position they have an explosive projectile device.

If your company wishes to be blessed in the eyes of the son of the creator of creation, then you shall not create a keyboard with a half sized backspace key, as that is against the 11th commandment, which has just been written here, so let it be written and done.